- [last lines]
- Dwight Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
- Michael Scott: Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go to the annex.
- [as Michael turns around, Toby appears. Michael stares at him in disbelief]
- Toby Flenderson: Hi, Mic...
- Michael Scott: [screams] NO! GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!
- Michael Scott: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
- David Wallace: [over the phone] Not without cause, Michael.
- Michael Scott: I have cause. It is because I hate him.
- Michael Scott: I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in "Scream 2." She thinks she can go off to college and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.
- Michael Scott: I've never framed a man before. Have you?
- Dwight Schrute: No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
- Jim Halpert: It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents. It was the '70s. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?
- Dwight Schrute: Brownies, is it?
- [scoffs]
- Dwight Schrute: Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.
- Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here?
- Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.
- Dwight Schrute: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
- Michael Scott: What's that?
- [Dwight closes the office door]
- Dwight Schrute: Frame him for using drugs.
- Michael Scott: Frame him?
- Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay, let's get this started.
- [stands up and loosens tie]
- Michael Scott: What are you doing?
- Dwight Schrute: I am the bait.
- [takes off his glasses]
- Michael Scott: For what?
- Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
- Michael Scott: No, no, no.
- Dwight Schrute: It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
- Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? No. For one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me.
- Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
- Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do, Dwight.
- Oscar Martinez: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
- Andy Bernard: That is just obnoxious.
- Oscar Martinez: No kidding.
- Pam Beesly: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
- Oscar Martinez: The note. It's so holier than thou.
- Angela Martin: Hmm... I liked it.
- Pam Beesly: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
- Andy Bernard: No, the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
- Meredith Palmer: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
- Pam Beesly: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
- Meredith Palmer: Yeah, they're rich.
- Michael Scott: What I would like you to do is take this folded note and deliver it to Toby Flenderson. I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand! Can you do that for me?
- Pam Beesly: Sure.
- Michael Scott: Good!
- [Pam opens the note]
- Michael Scott: No no no no, don't...
- Pam Beesly: Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you.
- Michael Scott: [grabs the note] Dammit, Pam. You gave me your word.