- [playing an IQ game]
- Joy Turner: I swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was little.
- Carl Hickey: [Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken.
- Earl Hickey: Uh, once again, Dad, I gotta say I'm a little conflicted about this.
- Brenda the Bank Teller: Next!
- Carl Hickey: Hello Brenda!
- [Smiling with anticipation]
- Brenda the Bank Teller: [Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt!
- Carl Hickey: Well, according to you on numerous occasions this color brings out the BLUE in my eyes!
- [Flirting]
- Carl Hickey: [Turns around to wink at Earl]
- Brenda the Bank Teller: Makes 'em sparkle!
- [Both Brenda and Carl are chuckling as Carl turns back toward Brenda]
- Brenda the Bank Teller: What can I do for you today?
- Carl Hickey: [Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes.
- Earl Hickey: [Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!]
- [Earl turns to the man behind him]
- Earl Hickey: Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid.
- Brenda the Bank Teller: Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message. But I was just trying to be nice. It's just customer service.
- Carl Hickey: [pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me?
- Brenda the Bank Teller: No.
- Carl Hickey: [Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please.
- Earl Hickey: [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.
- Diana: Next!
- Carl Hickey: [Smiling] Hello, Diane!
- Diana: [Grinning Big] There's my Carl.
- Carl Hickey: [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.
- Diana: [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!
- Carl Hickey: [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.
- Earl Hickey: Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.
- Carl Hickey: [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.
- Earl Hickey: [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.
- Carl Hickey: [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.
- Earl Hickey: Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening!
- [Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]
- Earl Hickey: [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?
- Patty: Ha-Hey Earl!
- Earl Hickey: When did you start working here?
- Patty: Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush
- [Then President Bush]
- Patty: monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.
- Carl Hickey: [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter]
- [With a cocky jaunt of the head]
- Carl Hickey: I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.
- Diana: I thought you needed the largest kind we had.
- [Snarky]
- Carl Hickey: Just ring it up, pecker-tease...
- Earl Hickey: [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...
- Patty: Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.
- Carl Hickey: [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you!
- [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]
- Patty: Thank you!
- [Patty immediately turns the candy box over]
- Patty: Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this
- [Patty circles her mouth with her index finger]
- Patty: a peanut free zone.
- [Hands nuts back to Carl]
- Earl Hickey: Dad, Patty's a hooker.
- Carl Hickey: [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.
- Patty: Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.
- Carl Hickey: Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!
- Patty: [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...
- Carl Hickey: I'm not changing my mind!
- [Slamming car door]
- Earl Hickey: [Narrating] There were two things I could have sworn I would never see with my own eyes: A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying.
- Earl Hickey: I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me.
- Joy Turner: Good, 'cause I'd do it again.
- [to the drugstore cashier]
- Carl Hickey: I would like a box of your largest condoms. Ripped for their pleasure. And by their pleasure, I mean yours.
- [she punches him in the face]
- Kay Hickey: [Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body.
- [Randy has panic in his eye]
- Kay Hickey: He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon.
- [Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]
- Randy Hickey: [Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better.
- [Desperately trying to change the subject]
- Randy Hickey: Not talking about this stuff.
- Kay Hickey: [Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?
- Randy Hickey: [On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops...
- [Looking ill]
- Randy Hickey: I'll go get us more drinks.
- [Rushes to the bar stage left]
- Kay Hickey: Ok. I'm gonna tinkle.
- [Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left]
- Joy Turner: [Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?
- Randy Hickey: [Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything?
- [Joy is suddenly very interested]
- Joy Turner: [Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well!
- [Flash to terrified Kay on toilet]
- Joy Turner: Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.
- Kay Hickey: [Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!
- Joy Turner: [Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.
- Kay Hickey: [Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!
- Joy Turner: [Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.
- Kay Hickey: I am nothing like you!
- [Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face]
- Joy Turner: [Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!
- Kay Hickey: [Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can!
- [Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]
- Joy Turner: [Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh...
- [Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead]
- Joy Turner: Great...
- [shouting]
- Joy Turner: Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!