My Name Is Earl (TV Series)

Monkeys Take a Bath (2008)

Patricia Bethune: Diana

Quotes 

• Earl Hickey : [Earl Narrates]  Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.

  Diana : Next!

  Carl Hickey : [Smiling]  Hello, Diane!

  Diana : [Grinning Big]  There's my Carl.

  Carl Hickey : [Placing both hands on counter]  I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.

  Diana : [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around]  Ugh!

  Carl Hickey : [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl]  It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.

• Earl Hickey : Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.

  Carl Hickey : [Getting out of the car]  You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.

  Earl Hickey : [Narrating]  I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.

  Carl Hickey : [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car]  She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.

  Earl Hickey : Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening!

  [Yelling after Carl in the parking lot] 

  Earl Hickey : [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant]  Patty?

  Patty : Ha-Hey Earl!

  Earl Hickey : When did you start working here?

  Patty : Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush

  [Then President Bush] 

  Patty : monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.

  Carl Hickey : [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter] 

  [With a cocky jaunt of the head] 

  Carl Hickey : I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.

  Diana : I thought you needed the largest kind we had.

  [Snarky] 

  Carl Hickey : Just ring it up, pecker-tease...

  Earl Hickey : [Back to Earl and Patty]  Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...

  Patty : Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.

  Carl Hickey : [Carl approaches stage right]  Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you!

  [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy] 

  Patty : Thank you!

  [Patty immediately turns the candy box over] 

  Patty : Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this

  [Patty circles her mouth with her index finger] 

  Patty : a peanut free zone.

  [Hands nuts back to Carl] 

  Earl Hickey : Dad, Patty's a hooker.

  Carl Hickey : [In denial]  No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.

  Patty : Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.

  Carl Hickey : Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!

  Patty : [as Carl and Earl get into the car]  If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...

  Carl Hickey : I'm not changing my mind!

  [Slamming car door]