Peep Show (TV Series)

Jeremy's Manager (2008)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : You see the thing is... I don't think I've ever done sex right before.

  Jeremy Usborne : You're fine, mate. Just stick with missionary. You're a sexual civilian, leave the disgusting stuff to me.

  Mark Corrigan : Cally's teaching me. She gives me a second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long.

  Jeremy Usborne : That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point!

  Mark Corrigan : Look, if I break up with her I don't see myself having good sex ever again. Unless I'm, like, going on holiday to Hawaii and the plane crashes and all my fellow survivors are women sex therapists on their way to a conference. And even then, there'll probably be loads of male sex therapists too and they'd love that, wouldn't they, all fucking each other and giving each other tips while I sit on a rock, wanking and crying.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Jeremy's getting a manager, I'm getting divorced. Maybe he'll end up happy and successful and I won't. That would be typical, I do everything society demands and die in a ditch, he sits on his arse and accidentally shits a golden egg!

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  I love you, Cally, you are the One! Let's get married by Sir Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf!

• Mark Corrigan : But I've bought a tour jacket especially. It's leather and it has lapels so I can wear it to work.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, if you start working for the Gestapo. Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah? If people see us hangin' out with a doink like you, not being rude...

  Mark Corrigan : You are being rude.

  Jeremy Usborne : Then that takes away a hell of a lot of our credibility.

• Super Hans : I could do with a roadie. Someone to pick the lovelies after the gig. Hump the gear. Sniff out the street chat.

  Mark Corrigan : Exactly. Drugs, birds and physical labour. Them's me specialties.

• [Jeremy has started mimicking Mark] 

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, we agreed not to do the funny voices after *that* week.

• Mark Corrigan : Not wanting to be horrible to Jeremy, but Super Hans did seem more like the kind of person you'd expect to see in a band like this.

  Cally : [nodding]  He's fuckable.

  Mark Corrigan : I'm sorry?

  Cally : It's an industry term. It means someone might want to fuck him.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Wow, I've got a date. I'm a real piece of shit. I bet those two things go hand in hand. Bet if I got into defrauding pensioners the pussy would really start rolling in.

• Cally : Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed I brought you to this. Past-life regression, what a load of bullshit!

  Mark Corrigan : It's fine, it was fun.

  Cally : People always say they were, like, Napoleon or an Aztec princess.

  Mark Corrigan : Come on guys, where are all the Chinese peasants? Where are the German toilet cleaners?