Peep Show (TV Series)

Jeremy's Mummy (2008)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Quotes 

• Super Hans : [reading from an old quiz book he's found]  I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?

  Mark Corrigan : A river.

  Super Hans : Nicholas Lyndhurst.

  Mark Corrigan : I think that's the wrong answer section.

  Super Hans : [throws the book down]  Fuck this shit.

• Super Hans : It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a fucking cure.

  Mark Corrigan : I think they're trying.

  Super Hans : Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out.

• Jeremy Usborne : Mum's getting 40 grand in the will and she's promised me half. It's all gravy from here, Mark. Good old Gwen. I couldn't have planned this better if I'd murdered her myself.

  Mark Corrigan : £20,000 won't last forever, Jeremy.

  Jeremy Usborne : What do you mean? £20,000, I'm gonna be a millionaire!

• Mark Corrigan : You really do need to get over this whole thing with your mum. You're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet if you stop being...

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  He can't think of a Shakespearian character!

  Jeremy Usborne : A massive twat!

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Ha-ha. He couldn't even think of Romeo, Romeo's easy.

• [Mark wakes up to find Natalie is having sex with him] 

  Mark Corrigan : Could you stop? I, oh dear God, oh dear...

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : I'm having an orgasm against my will! Oh God, she's stolen sex off me.

  Natalie : [she finishes]  I like you. I liked that.

  Mark Corrigan : Yes... OK.

  Natalie : I think I need a wee now.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  At least she didn't wee on me. That's a positive.

• Jeremy Usborne : Well, did you do it? Have I got my money? Don't do the pause, Mark, you're not Davina! Have I got my money?

  Mark Corrigan : Yes, Jeremy, you've got your money.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes!

  [he kisses Mark on the forehead] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh you beautiful, beautiful man! I'm gonna tattoo your name on my balls. I'm a millionaire again!

  Mark Corrigan : But there's a condition.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, there's alway conditions, Mark, you can ignore conditions. When you sign up for a credit card or adopt a child there are conditions. They're meaningless.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the Mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.

  Jeremy Usborne : Mummy! Coffee! Fucky-hurry-uppy!

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.

• [Mark meets Jeremy's mum's boyfriend Martin, an ex-soldier in his 60s] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Shit, it's Paddy Ashdown! It's Indiana Jones! It's Indiana Ashdown!

• [Mark looks at Martin] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Why doesn't Jeremy want you to be his dad? I want you to be my dad! I want to sit on your knee right now!

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Right, everyone's out. Might sneek a little peek at the gun. It's fine to be fascinated by the gun. It's fascinating. Everything that can kill a man is fascinating, guns, electric chairs, paracetemol, lead piping...

  Jeremy Usborne : [standing in the doorway]  Hello Mark.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, hi Jez. I was just... you know, making sure it was safe. Gunny the gun.

  Jeremy Usborne : You like it, Mark. That's fine, you like the gun. Guns are great. Design classics like the Routemaster bus, or... those chairs.

• [Natalie has passed out drunk on Mark's bed] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  She hasn't had a wee in a while. I hope she doesn't wee in my bed.

  [to Natalie] 

  Mark Corrigan : Don't wee the bed, Natalie.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : That might filter through to her subconscious. I hope the "don't" was clear enough.

• Martin : [giving Mark his war diaries]  Some of it's a bit choice, Mark. A bit fruity, death wise. So, you have been warned.

  Mark Corrigan : Doesn't bother me, Martin, the fruitier the better. War's never a picnic. Although, obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors quite a lot.

• Jeremy Usborne : [has just found a gun at his dead aunt's house]  I'll keep it in my room. It'll be safe there. I'll put it in a drawer.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, brilliant. Well, as long as no one can work out the intricate sliding mechanism that opens your drawer, it'll be perfectly safe!

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Yeah, sure. You've got sarcasm, I've got a big gun!

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands.

  [a waiter serves him his dessert] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  And I've got a tiramisu! This is fucking amazing!

• Natalie : My teacher was a bit of a hippy and she gave me this CND badge. Ah, I genuinely loved Miss Davis.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Case closed.

  Natalie : Anyway, I wore it home and fucking hell, Mark, Dad's face... It was like he was being given a Tabasco enema.