Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

If My Hole Could Talk (2008)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.

  Alan Harper : A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.

• Alan Harper : [Jake is making excuses for not doing a book report]  So, what did you intend to do about the report?

  Jake Harper : You mean aside from the earthquake?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Jake Harper : Well, I kinda put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

• Charlie Harper : [after Jake screws up yet again]  I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.

  Alan Harper : I never took any LSD.

  Charlie Harper : You might want to start telling people you did.

• Alan Harper : Bite me. That's chapter one in my forthcoming book, entitled "Bite Me". Chapter two is called, "Kiss My Pale, White Ass!"

• Jake Harper : I might have to write a book report for Monday.

  Alan Harper : What do you mean you might have to write a book report?

  Jake Harper : I mean, if there's no earthquake by Monday morning, I have to write a book report.

  Alan Harper : Oh, God. So, what's the book?

  Jake Harper : William Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew". By William Shakespeare.

  Charlie Harper : Hey, that'll come in handy when he's moppin' out the toilets at the House of Pancakes.

  Jake Harper : Y'know, I could go for some pancakes.

• Alan Harper : You're supposed to be finishing your report.

  Jake Harper : I know. I can't find the book.

  Alan Harper : You're kidding! We - we just bought it!

  Jake Harper : What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.

  Alan Harper : Find... the book.

  Jake Harper : I'm really tired.

  Alan Harper : Find... the book!

  Jake Harper : Just saying it won't make it happen.

  Alan Harper : [as Charlie walks into the house]  FIND... THE... BOOK!

  Jake Harper : [to Charlie, while running away]  Heads up! He's losing it!

  Alan Harper : I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!