- Alan Harper: [about hookers] What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?
- Charlie Harper: Crabs. And car-jacked.
- Jake Harper: [Dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back] How do I look?
- Charlie Harper: Like you should be knocking on peoples' doors asking them if they've heard the Good News.
- Charlie Harper: Her name's Alexis.
- Alan Harper: Alexis. That's a pretty name.
- Charlie Harper: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.
- Alan Harper: [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Uh, who is she?
- Charlie Harper: I have no friggin' idea.
- Jake Harper: I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children!
- Charlie Harper: [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan] She's willing to throw you one for $500.
- Alan Harper: Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card?
- Charlie Harper: A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?
- Alan Harper: Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.
- Jake Harper: [about a double date Jake arranged with Charlie and the mother and daughter he met at the snack shop] Just don't clock-block me, okay?
- Charlie Harper: Clock-block you?
- Jake Harper: That's not it?
- Charlie Harper: No. That's not it.
- Alan Harper: So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight?
- Charlie Harper: Ask your bubble-headed son.
- Jake Harper: Ask your butt-headed brother.
- Charlie Harper: Come on, I'm not good with names, but I'll never forget the passionate nights we spent together.
- Jess: We never spent the night.
- Charlie Harper: Never? Well, no wonder I don't remember you!
- Charlie Harper: [about Jake] I'm telling you, Alan. One of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
- Alexis: Shall we, uh, take care of business before we get started?
- Alan Harper: [giddy] Oh, oh, absolutely! Uh... uh, no... "No money, no honey"! No, "no lootie, no bootie"! "No cash advance, I'm not in your pants"! That was four hundred, right?
- Alexis: Five.
- Alan Harper: [embarrassed] Oh, of course, five. Why did I think it was four?
- Alan Harper: So, did you make the call?
- Charlie Harper: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat.
- Alan Harper: If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?
- Alan Harper: [about getting a hooker] Try to get a non-smoker.
- Charlie Harper: Sure. Who wants a girl who'd put one of those nasty things in her mouth?
- Alan Harper: As you know, I'm a bit of a bargain hunter.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99 cent store!
- Alan Harper: How much is a hooker?
- Charlie Harper: What? Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker?
- Alan Harper: Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me!
- Alexis: [Alan is kissing on the couch with a hooker] Oh, baby, you really turn me on!
- Alan Harper: Hang on a sec. I'm a little bummed by that 'turn me on' part. I want to believe you, but I've been with enough women to know it doesn't happen that fast. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all!
- Alexis: Honey, I would not lie to you.
- Alan Harper: [Sarcastically] Of course not, why would you lie to me? I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level.
- Alexis: Alright.
- [They start kissing again]
- Alexis: Oh, you are the best kisser!
- Alan Harper: Okay. Again! I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.
- Alexis: I'm a little confused here!
- Alan Harper: I'm just not buyin' it! And since I *am* buying it, I should be able to buy it! All you have to do is tell the truth. There's no need for hyperbolae.
- Alexis: Alright.
- [They start kissing again]
- Alexis: Oh, Alan, your lips are so thin and dry!
- Alan Harper: Okay, now we're cookin'!
- Rose: [Alan answers the door expecting a hooker but instead sees Rose] Hey, Alan!
- Alan Harper: Rose? For God's sake! Did Charlie put you up to this?
- Rose: What are you talking about? Charlie didn't put me up to anything.
- Alan Harper: Right. So it's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute and all of a sudden, you show up at the front door?
- Rose: [Dismayed] You're waiting for a prostitute?
- Alan Harper: [Sheepishly] No!
- Alexis: Sorry I'm a little late.
- Alan Harper: That's okay. As long as it doesn't come out of my... y'know, winky dink time!