The Muppets (2011)
Steve Whitmire: Kermit, Beaker, Statler, Rizzo, Link Hogthrob, The Newsman
Photos
Quotes
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Kermit the Frog : What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
Fozzie Bear : But Kermit, what's more illegal: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog : Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!
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Jack Black : I'm being held captive by these weirdos!
Statler : Now you know how we've felt for the last forty years.
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Rowlf : How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
Kermit the Frog : Rowlf?
Rowlf : Huh?
Kermit the Frog : You wanna get back together?
Rowlf : Okay.
[cut back to the car]
Rowlf : Heh heh. Classic.
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Walter : But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog : Children?
Walter : No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog : Ice cream?
Walter : No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog : Laughter?
Walter : YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!
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Gary : It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.
Kermit the Frog : [sadly] No.
Mary : This is going to be a *really* short movie.
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Rico Rodriguez : Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Kermit the Frog : Yes I am!
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Miss Piggy : Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
Kermit the Frog : That's great! Where is he?
Miss Piggy : In the trunk.
Jack Black : [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!
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Kermit the Frog : Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.
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Sam Eagle : Hello.
Rowlf : Hello.
Link Hogthrob : Hello.
Beaker : Mee-Meep.
[sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer]
Beaker : Mee-Meep.
Rowlf , Sam Eagle , Link Hogthrob , Beaker : Hello.
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Mahna Mahna : [sings] Mahna Mahna
Tex Richman : You're breaking the law! I own that name!
Snowth , Snowth : [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
Gonzo : [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
Fozzie Bear : 'Oil' bet that hurt.
[Tex Richman starts laughing]
The Newsman : This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
Tex Richman : [sings] Mahna Mahna
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TV Executive : No.
TV Executive : No.
TV Executive : Lo siento, pero no.
Kermit the Frog : [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
[the Muppets cheer]
TV Executive : That means no.
Kermit the Frog : Oh.
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Kermit the Frog : [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days
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Kermit the Frog : Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.
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Kermit the Frog : Jack Black's got nothing.
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Kermit the Frog : Piggy, why do you always have to be so over dramatic about things, you know, it leaves me no choice but to do things that'll hurt you.
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Walter : Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.
[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]
Gary Age 9 : [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?
Walter : Yeah, race you home!
Kermit the Frog : And... well. that night... sorta changed everything.
Kermit the Frog : [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter : I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter : - The Muppets.
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Statler : [the door opens, Statler, Waldorf, Uncle Deadly, Bobo the Bear, and Tex Richman enter the room] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.
Waldorf : Or so we've been 'toad'.
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Tex Richman : Well, as you know, gentlemen, I've loved the Muppets since I was a boy.
Uncle Deadly , Bobo : Mm-hmm.
Tex Richman : And what better way to honor the Muppets than to make this beautiful studio a Muppet museum.
[Walter gasps while hiding underneath a table]
Tex Richman : I think I'll call this room the "Kermit the Frog's Old Office Room".
Uncle Deadly : Oh, good one, Mr. Richman.
Bobo : Oh, that is lovely.
Waldorf : Now, ahem, this here is the standard "Rich and Famous" contract Kermit signed 30 years ago that contains...
Tex Richman : The deed to this property.
Waldorf : Exactly.
Waldorf : Now, this contract is 100 percent iron-clad, with one minor exception: if the Muppets can raise the $10 million it would cost to buy the building before this contract expires, then they get their studio back.
Statler : You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of an important plot point.
Waldorf : Well, I hope so; otherwise I just bored the audience half to death.
Statler : You mean half the audience is still alive?
[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]
Waldorf : It's nice doing business with you.
Statler : Yes, sir. Come on.
Waldorf : Good-bye.
Bobo : [to Uncle Deadly] I love geriatric humor.
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Mary : So, what do we do now?
Gary : I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.
Walter : Gary, throw me over.
Gary : What?
Walter : Gary, just throw me over already!
Gary : Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...
Walter : One, two, three.
Walter : [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.
Gary : Sorry.
Walter : No, it's good.
Mary : Guys? I think that's an electric fence.
Walter : Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.
Gary : OK buddy, head down.
Gary , Walter : One, two, three!
[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]
Mary : It's an electric fence.
Gary : Yep.
Gary : Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?
Walter : [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.
Gary : No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.
Walter : What kind of throw was that?
Kermit the Frog : Excuse me...
[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]
Kermit the Frog : You okay? That was quite a tumble.
[Walter faints]
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Kermit the Frog : Gary, Mary. How did you guys get here?
Mary : We traveled by map.
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Kermit the Frog : [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter : I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter : - The Muppets.
Walter : [the Muppet Show's theme plays in the background] I guess you could say I was their number one fan.
Walter : [Walter opens his birthday present] Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of the Muppet Studios.
Walter : [Walter shakes the present before opening it, and then he gasps to discover a watch with Kermit the Frog's face on it] And they made all the difference.
Walter : [a kid says 'Trick or Treat!'] Because from then on...
Gary Age 13 : Hey, guys.
Laughing Kid , Laughing Kid , Laughing Kid : Oh, hey, Gary. Hey.
Walter : [Walter is wearing a Kermit costume] Hi-ho, guys. Yay!
Laughing Kid , Laughing Kid , Laughing Kid : [the trick-or-treaters laugh at Walter] Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978?
Walter : Even on the worst days, I knew... that as the years passed...
Kermit the Frog : [archived footage] Cancel that last remark...
Walter : As long as there are singing frogs and joking bears...
[Walter and Gary laugh as they watch reruns of The Muppet Show on VHS cassette]
Walter : Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can be such a bad place after all.
