- Jake Harper: [Charlie and Jake are watching 'Jaws'] This movie is stupid.
- Charlie Harper: This movie is a classic.
- Jake Harper: It's been 40 minutes and we haven't even seen the shark yet!
- Charlie Harper: That's because they're building suspense. Letting you use your imagination.
- Jake Harper: You know what I'm imagining? A better movie!
- Alan Harper: I am in trouble here, Charlie. How-how do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
- Charlie Harper: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here!
- Charlie Harper: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me. And on my next statement there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.