- Karen Vick: It has come to my attention, Detective, that you've discharged your weapons in the last four cases you've worked.
- Carlton Lassiter: Thank you.
- Karen Vick: That wasn't a compliment.
- Carlton Lassiter: I'm just trying to keep the streets safe, Chief.
- Karen Vick: The last incident was at a cat show.
- Carlton Lassiter: Well, let me just go on record as saying that I would never shoot a cat.
- Karen Vick: I guess I could find some solace in that.
- Carlton Lassiter: Unless it was approaching in a threatening manner... or refused to stop upon my command. I would probably just fire a warning shot to make my point, but that's really a field decision. I can't commit to it at this juncture.
- Shawn Spencer: Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I *need* thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.
- Shawn Spencer: Don't be ridiculous.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [on his work at Psych] This is just something I do on the side. A hobby, really, like collecting thimbles or, um... raising carrier pigeons.
- Frankjim Ogletree: You raise carrier pigeons?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, not at all. That's totally lame. I just said that because I was flustered.
- Frankjim Ogletree: I raise carrier pigeons.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm glad you said that. Because I was afraid to tell you how cool I thought carrier pigeons are. Flying around and carrying stuff, coming back... awesome!
- Carlton Lassiter: [on his first meeting with Madeleine] I answered every question in character as Tom "Gunny" Highway.
- Juliet O'Hara: Who is Tom "Gunny" Highway?
- Carlton Lassiter: Clint Eastwood's character in "Heartbreak Ridge".
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [forcibly removing Shawn from his office] Don't you dare go boneless on me, Shawn!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What the hell are you doing here?
- Shawn Spencer: I should ask you the same question.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I work here!
- Shawn Spencer: Okay, I should ask you a different question.
- Paul Habershire: What's your game?
- Shawn Spencer: I have two games: Red Rover and lawn darts. Unfortunately, it takes four for even the most rudimentary game of Rover and they don't make lawn dart anymore, too dangerous, but that's not why I'm here.
- Carlton Lassiter: First question: where's the bug?
- Madeleine: The what?
- Carlton Lassiter: The bug.
- [feels under the coffee table]
- Carlton Lassiter: Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
- Madeleine: I honestly don't have anything on me.
- Carlton Lassiter: Then you wouldn't be opposed to me patting you down.
- Madeleine: Actually, I'm very opposed to that.
- Carlton Lassiter: Would you be willing to submit to a polygraph?
- [in 1995 after Henry has arrested him]
- Shawn Spencer: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for that "World's Greatest Dad" mug back.
- [in 1995 after Henry opens the door to the stolen car Shawn and his girlfriend are in]
- Shawn Spencer: Whoops.
- Henry Spencer: Whoops?
- Shawn's Girlfriend: It's my neighbor's car. We were gonna put it back. It was just a dare.
- Shawn Spencer: Is there a problem here, officer?
- Henry Spencer: You wanted my attention, Shawn. You got it, buddy.
- Shawn's Girlfriend: Wait. You guys know each other?
- Henry Spencer: Yeah, he's sorta my dad.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [about Ogletree] He's the new regional sales manager, my immediate boss, and a tyrant. They call him the Little Pinochet.
- Shawn Spencer: That's too abstract. Why don't they just call him Jerk Pants or Suck McJones?
- [Shawn and Gus are startled by Haversham's barking dog]
- Shawn Spencer: That dog is kind of an A-hole.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It sees something.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, urine stains on my pants.
- Henry Spencer: You want me to give you a hand, hon?
- Madeleine: Did you just call me "honey"?
- Henry Spencer: [quickly] I did not. I was going to say... hunchback.
- Shawn Spencer: [sizing up Henry] The aftershave. The pumiced scalp. The suit.
- Henry Spencer: I can wear a suit!
- Shawn Spencer: Which one of the Three Tenors did you borrow it from? Not the dead one, I hope.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: How did you get inside the house?
- Shawn Spencer: Hadewych, housekeeper. She was leaving, so she let me in. Tiny little dollop of a woman. Dutch-Indonesian. Enormous forearms. She made me a pannekoek. It's like a pancake, but it is the size of a manhole cover.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Mr. Haversham, we got here early.
- Shawn Spencer: Hadewych let us in. We love her, and we'd like one of our own.