Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever (2008)

Ted Levine: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Natalie has drawn the very numbers that Stottlemeyer has on his lottery ticket. After he finds that they all match, he cannot help but burst out laughing in triumph] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh my dear lord! All day I had this feeling!

  Adrian Monk : Congratulations! So are you quitting?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What, are you kidding? I quit thirty seconds ago when the "54" ball popped out of the drum!

  [Still laughing uncontrollably, he grabs the wall picture of a boat and kisses it] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Come here, you great, beautiful, no-longer-hypothetical boat!

  [Still laughing] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Randy! Do you still have those student loans?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah I've got eight more years!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Not anymore!

  Lt. Randall Disher : No way!

• Billy Logan : Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.

  Natalie Teeger : My mark?

  Billy Logan : Yeah. The big "X" on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.

  [Natalie moves over there] 

  Stage Manager : 90 seconds!

  Natalie Teeger : 90 seconds? Wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!

  Billy Logan : There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God if there was a script, we'd all be rich!

  [to himself] 

  Billy Logan : Amateurs.

  [Billy walks off. Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] 

  Stan Lawrence : Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.

  Stan Lawrence : They usually do.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.

  Stan Lawrence : You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.

  [He hands the stack over] 

  Billy Logan : I need quiet everybody! New girl, new girl. You're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2-

  [the show's theme music starts up. The studio cameras turn on] 

  Natalie Teeger : Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play?

  [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] 

  Natalie Teeger : Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is...

  [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum] 

  Billy Logan : [whispering]  Turn it on!

  [Natalie doesn't move] 

  Billy Logan : Turn it on!

  [Natalie presses the power button] 

  Natalie Teeger : My god!

  [the numbers come out of the drum. Natalie reads them and then sets them aside] 

  Natalie Teeger : And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number... 7. The Seven Dwarves.

  [Stottlemeyer tears up some fan mail] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Seven dwarves.

  [the number 32 is drawn] 

  Natalie Teeger : The next number... 32. 32 teeth.

  [clicks her teeth] 

  Natalie Teeger : [the number 10 is drawn]  10. My boss's absolute favorite number.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Aw crap!

  Natalie Teeger : Apparently not everybody's favorite.

  [the number 17 gets drawn] 

  Natalie Teeger : And the final number is 17, my daughter's age.

  [makes a little wave] 

  Natalie Teeger : Hi Julie!

  [pause] 

  Natalie Teeger : Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto.

  [pauses] 

  Natalie Teeger : You'll thank me later!

  [the music stops. Monk is dumbstruck] 

  Adrian Monk : "You'll thank me later"? That's my line. I say that!

  Lt. Randall Disher : It hurts, doesn't it?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You know I might as well flush 20 bucks down the toilet once a week.

• Lt. Randall Disher : Any idea on motive?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I guess you can say that there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl: she broke my heart three times a week.

• [Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer are investigating the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [pitifully]  What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.

  Adrian Monk : Are we sure he jumped?

  [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] 

  Adrian Monk : "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Brevity, the soul of wit.

  Adrian Monk : But he was a writer! Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this whole apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.

  Adrian Monk : But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win, which makes him a whole lot smarter than me.

  [Monk picks up Malcolm's contact lens case, and notices something] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What have you got?

  Adrian Monk : A contact lens case... with only one lens.

  [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] 

  Adrian Monk : Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I don't have a wipe.

  Adrian Monk : Ju-just, I need a wipe.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Where's Natalie?

  [Cuts to Natalie by the police line signing autographs] 

• [Natalie has shown up at Monk's apartment, very shaken and upset] 

  Natalie Teeger : What time is it?

  [Monk looks at his watch] 

  Adrian Monk : 5:00, one minute after.

  Natalie Teeger : Turn on the news.

  Adrian Monk : What channel?

  Natalie Teeger : Any channel.

  [Monk switches on the TV to a news bulletin] 

  Newscaster : ...a major scandal today involving the Gold Rush Lottery. As we told you before, there were two winners in last night's jackpot giveaway: Eugene Maddox, a truck driver from Rockaway Township, and Leland Stottlemeyer, a highly decorated officer of the San Francisco Police.

  [On the TV, the scene cuts to a press conference with Stottlemeyer and Eugene Maddox holding big fake $106 million checks] 

  Reporter : Mr. Maddox, what do you do for a living?

  Eugene Maddox : Well yesterday I was unemployed. Today, I guess I'm retired.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [chuckles]  That makes two of us, brother.

  Newscaster : But in a stunning development, the lottery commission suspended all payment to Captain Stottlemeyer after it was revealed that Stottlemeyer has known and worked with Natalie Teeger, the newly hired lotto ball girl. There is a newsconference...

  [Monk switches off the TV] 

  Natalie Teeger : They said we cheated.

  Adrian Monk : Why? Just because you know the Captain? Okay, it looks bad, but...

  Natalie Teeger : No, it's not just that. They said they have proof. They'd checked the equipment; there was something wrong with the machine: it was rigged.

  [breaks into tears] 

  Natalie Teeger : They said I'm going to jail!

• [Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered] 

  Adrian Monk : This is wrong.

  [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] 

  Adrian Monk : This is wrong.

  [He examines the body] 

  Adrian Monk : This is very wrong. This is very, very...

  Lt. Randall Disher : Wrong?

  Adrian Monk : This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.

  Medical Examiner : Well he took her purse and some jewelry.

  Adrian Monk : No, he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.

  Medical Examiner : That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.

  Adrian Monk : Or, she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern.

  [Stottlemeyer crouches beside Monk] 

  Adrian Monk : Two, two, and two. Three times, with a pair of scissors.

  Medical Examiner : Yes. That's possible.

  Adrian Monk : Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Spur-of-the-moment. Not planned.

  Adrian Monk : Plus, the mud on her shoe. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : If she was walking she would've seen it.

  Adrian Monk : Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.

  [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee who was here last night. Make that every employee, period.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes sir.

  Adrian Monk : What is that?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What?

  Adrian Monk : On her fingertips? Is that paint?

  [Stottlemeyer looks at the fingertips, and then waves over a CSI tech] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Hey, Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I got to call my kids. I've got find a good accountant! Hey, I can buy a good accountant! I can buy 20 good accountants!