Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever (2008)
Jason Gray-Stanford: Lieutenant Randy Disher
Quotes
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[Natalie has drawn the very numbers that Stottlemeyer has on his lottery ticket. After he finds that they all match, he cannot help but burst out laughing in triumph]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh my dear lord! All day I had this feeling!
Adrian Monk : Congratulations! So are you quitting?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What, are you kidding? I quit thirty seconds ago when the "54" ball popped out of the drum!
[Still laughing uncontrollably, he grabs the wall picture of a boat and kisses it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Come here, you great, beautiful, no-longer-hypothetical boat!
[Still laughing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Randy! Do you still have those student loans?
Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah I've got eight more years!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Not anymore!
Lt. Randall Disher : No way!
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Billy Logan : Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger : My mark?
Billy Logan : Yeah. The big "X" on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
[Natalie moves over there]
Stage Manager : 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger : 90 seconds? Wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan : There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God if there was a script, we'd all be rich!
[to himself]
Billy Logan : Amateurs.
[Billy walks off. Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence : Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence : They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence : You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
[He hands the stack over]
Billy Logan : I need quiet everybody! New girl, new girl. You're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2-
[the show's theme music starts up. The studio cameras turn on]
Natalie Teeger : Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play?
[pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture]
Natalie Teeger : Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is...
[long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan : [whispering] Turn it on!
[Natalie doesn't move]
Billy Logan : Turn it on!
[Natalie presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger : My god!
[the numbers come out of the drum. Natalie reads them and then sets them aside]
Natalie Teeger : And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
[Stottlemeyer tears up some fan mail]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Seven dwarves.
[the number 32 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger : The next number... 32. 32 teeth.
[clicks her teeth]
Natalie Teeger : [the number 10 is drawn] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Aw crap!
Natalie Teeger : Apparently not everybody's favorite.
[the number 17 gets drawn]
Natalie Teeger : And the final number is 17, my daughter's age.
[makes a little wave]
Natalie Teeger : Hi Julie!
[pause]
Natalie Teeger : Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto.
[pauses]
Natalie Teeger : You'll thank me later!
[the music stops. Monk is dumbstruck]
Adrian Monk : "You'll thank me later"? That's my line. I say that!
Lt. Randall Disher : It hurts, doesn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You know I might as well flush 20 bucks down the toilet once a week.
-
[Billy Logan and Eugene Maddox have been arrested for murder]
Lt. Randall Disher : I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan : Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher : They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan : I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher : You're going to prison.
Billy Logan : I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher : You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan : I will if you will.
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Lt. Randall Disher : Any idea on motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I guess you can say that there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl: she broke my heart three times a week.
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Medical Examiner : Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
[pauses]
Medical Examiner : I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton : I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at Kelton]
Officer Kelton : Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher : What are you doing? That was my line, man.
-
[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk : This is wrong.
[He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car]
Adrian Monk : This is wrong.
[He examines the body]
Adrian Monk : This is very wrong. This is very, very...
Lt. Randall Disher : Wrong?
Adrian Monk : This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Medical Examiner : Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk : No, he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner : That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk : Or, she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern.
[Stottlemeyer crouches beside Monk]
Adrian Monk : Two, two, and two. Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner : Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk : Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Spur-of-the-moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk : Plus, the mud on her shoe. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : If she was walking she would've seen it.
Adrian Monk : Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee who was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher : Yes sir.
Adrian Monk : What is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What?
Adrian Monk : On her fingertips? Is that paint?
[Stottlemeyer looks at the fingertips, and then waves over a CSI tech]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Hey, Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.
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Lt. Randall Disher : You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan : I will if you will.