Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever (2008)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Natalie has drawn the very numbers that Stottlemeyer has on his lottery ticket. After he finds that they all match, he cannot help but burst out laughing in triumph] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh my dear lord! All day I had this feeling!

  Adrian Monk : Congratulations! So are you quitting?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What, are you kidding? I quit thirty seconds ago when the "54" ball popped out of the drum!

  [Still laughing uncontrollably, he grabs the wall picture of a boat and kisses it] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Come here, you great, beautiful, no-longer-hypothetical boat!

  [Still laughing] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Randy! Do you still have those student loans?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah I've got eight more years!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Not anymore!

  Lt. Randall Disher : No way!

• Natalie Teeger : I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, I got a little distracted.

  Adrian Monk : [sarcastically]  Is the cadaver in the way? We could move it across the street if you like.

• Billy Logan : Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.

  Natalie Teeger : My mark?

  Billy Logan : Yeah. The big "X" on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.

  [Natalie moves over there] 

  Stage Manager : 90 seconds!

  Natalie Teeger : 90 seconds? Wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!

  Billy Logan : There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God if there was a script, we'd all be rich!

  [to himself] 

  Billy Logan : Amateurs.

  [Billy walks off. Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] 

  Stan Lawrence : Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.

  Stan Lawrence : They usually do.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.

  Stan Lawrence : You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.

  [He hands the stack over] 

  Billy Logan : I need quiet everybody! New girl, new girl. You're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2-

  [the show's theme music starts up. The studio cameras turn on] 

  Natalie Teeger : Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play?

  [pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture] 

  Natalie Teeger : Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is...

  [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum] 

  Billy Logan : [whispering]  Turn it on!

  [Natalie doesn't move] 

  Billy Logan : Turn it on!

  [Natalie presses the power button] 

  Natalie Teeger : My god!

  [the numbers come out of the drum. Natalie reads them and then sets them aside] 

  Natalie Teeger : And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number... 7. The Seven Dwarves.

  [Stottlemeyer tears up some fan mail] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Seven dwarves.

  [the number 32 is drawn] 

  Natalie Teeger : The next number... 32. 32 teeth.

  [clicks her teeth] 

  Natalie Teeger : [the number 10 is drawn]  10. My boss's absolute favorite number.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Aw crap!

  Natalie Teeger : Apparently not everybody's favorite.

  [the number 17 gets drawn] 

  Natalie Teeger : And the final number is 17, my daughter's age.

  [makes a little wave] 

  Natalie Teeger : Hi Julie!

  [pause] 

  Natalie Teeger : Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto.

  [pauses] 

  Natalie Teeger : You'll thank me later!

  [the music stops. Monk is dumbstruck] 

  Adrian Monk : "You'll thank me later"? That's my line. I say that!

  Lt. Randall Disher : It hurts, doesn't it?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You know I might as well flush 20 bucks down the toilet once a week.

• Adrian Monk : Do you want to put it in this evidence bag?

  [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it] 

  Adrian Monk : Bag #32. Hey! 32, 3-2. 32!

  [Natalie stops posing for the crowd and walks over] 

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, are you mocking me? In public? I don't make fun of your job.

  Adrian Monk : That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.

  Natalie Teeger : Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.

  Adrian Monk : You are not making them rich. You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping-pong balls. And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim.

  Natalie Teeger : Some other what? "Bim" what?

  Adrian Monk : Bimportant person.

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, do you think I'm a bimbo? Okay, maybe what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet but what do I do for you? Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention. I guess I needed it.

  Adrian Monk : Oh I'm sorry, but I can't work like this. So you're going to have to choose.

  [He gestures to himself and to Natalie's fans at the crime tape] 

  Natalie Teeger : OK, well I guess I quit.

  Adrian Monk : [relieved]  Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.

  Natalie Teeger : No I quit you. I quit us.

  [Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her] 

• Adrian Monk : Or maybe I just feel insulted.

  Dr. Neven Bell : Insulted?

  Adrian Monk : What I do is hard. I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?

  [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] 

  Adrian Monk : [in an approximation of Natalie's lotto voice]  91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91. How hard is that? A talking monkey could do her job, you see. It's embarrassing.

  Dr. Neven Bell : Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.

• [Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer are investigating the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [pitifully]  What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.

  Adrian Monk : Are we sure he jumped?

  [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] 

  Adrian Monk : "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Brevity, the soul of wit.

  Adrian Monk : But he was a writer! Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this whole apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.

  Adrian Monk : But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win, which makes him a whole lot smarter than me.

  [Monk picks up Malcolm's contact lens case, and notices something] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What have you got?

  Adrian Monk : A contact lens case... with only one lens.

  [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] 

  Adrian Monk : Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I don't have a wipe.

  Adrian Monk : Ju-just, I need a wipe.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Where's Natalie?

  [Cuts to Natalie by the police line signing autographs] 

• Natalie Teeger : [upon noticing a bus with her image on it]  I can't believe this is really happening!

  Adrian Monk : I can't either.

  [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off her bus image's cheek] 

  Adrian Monk : I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell?

  [Natalie steps back] 

  Natalie Teeger : Sorry, sorry.

  [They continue up the street] 

  Adrian Monk : OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24.

  [Natalie stops and enters her lottery mode] 

  Natalie Teeger : 24. 24! 24!

  Adrian Monk : [agitated]  Are you done?

  [she stops] 

  Natalie Teeger : Okay let's do this! What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Like, her ex-boyfriend?

  [They start walking again] 

  Adrian Monk : No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh wait. That's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.

  Natalie Teeger : But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show. I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three!

  [stops and enters lottery mode] 

  Natalie Teeger : Three. Three tres. Three...

  [Monk taps her on the shoulder] 

  Adrian Monk : Hello?

  Natalie Teeger : Sorry, sorry. Just remind me.

  Adrian Monk : Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed.

  [as they approach the corner, a cabbie spots Natalie and recognizes her] 

  Friendly Cabbie : Hey! I'm a big fan!

  Adrian Monk : Thank you very much.

  Friendly Cabbie : Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"

  Natalie Teeger : That's not actually my line! Mr. Monk said it first!

  [the cabbie speeds off in response to impatient honking from the driver of a Toyota Prius stopped behind him] 

• [Natalie has shown up at Monk's apartment, very shaken and upset] 

  Natalie Teeger : What time is it?

  [Monk looks at his watch] 

  Adrian Monk : 5:00, one minute after.

  Natalie Teeger : Turn on the news.

  Adrian Monk : What channel?

  Natalie Teeger : Any channel.

  [Monk switches on the TV to a news bulletin] 

  Newscaster : ...a major scandal today involving the Gold Rush Lottery. As we told you before, there were two winners in last night's jackpot giveaway: Eugene Maddox, a truck driver from Rockaway Township, and Leland Stottlemeyer, a highly decorated officer of the San Francisco Police.

  [On the TV, the scene cuts to a press conference with Stottlemeyer and Eugene Maddox holding big fake $106 million checks] 

  Reporter : Mr. Maddox, what do you do for a living?

  Eugene Maddox : Well yesterday I was unemployed. Today, I guess I'm retired.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [chuckles]  That makes two of us, brother.

  Newscaster : But in a stunning development, the lottery commission suspended all payment to Captain Stottlemeyer after it was revealed that Stottlemeyer has known and worked with Natalie Teeger, the newly hired lotto ball girl. There is a newsconference...

  [Monk switches off the TV] 

  Natalie Teeger : They said we cheated.

  Adrian Monk : Why? Just because you know the Captain? Okay, it looks bad, but...

  Natalie Teeger : No, it's not just that. They said they have proof. They'd checked the equipment; there was something wrong with the machine: it was rigged.

  [breaks into tears] 

  Natalie Teeger : They said I'm going to jail!

• [Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered] 

  Adrian Monk : This is wrong.

  [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] 

  Adrian Monk : This is wrong.

  [He examines the body] 

  Adrian Monk : This is very wrong. This is very, very...

  Lt. Randall Disher : Wrong?

  Adrian Monk : This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.

  Medical Examiner : Well he took her purse and some jewelry.

  Adrian Monk : No, he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.

  Medical Examiner : That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.

  Adrian Monk : Or, she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern.

  [Stottlemeyer crouches beside Monk] 

  Adrian Monk : Two, two, and two. Three times, with a pair of scissors.

  Medical Examiner : Yes. That's possible.

  Adrian Monk : Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Spur-of-the-moment. Not planned.

  Adrian Monk : Plus, the mud on her shoe. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : If she was walking she would've seen it.

  Adrian Monk : Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.

  [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee who was here last night. Make that every employee, period.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes sir.

  Adrian Monk : What is that?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What?

  Adrian Monk : On her fingertips? Is that paint?

  [Stottlemeyer looks at the fingertips, and then waves over a CSI tech] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Hey, Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.

• [repeated line] 

  Adrian Monk : I'm the Garfunkel.