Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (TV Series)
Expert Witness (1999)
Jonathan Katz: Dr. Katz
Quotes
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Jake Johannsen : My neighbor just came from with her dog with that plastic cone...
Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.
Jake Johannsen : ...On their head. Did you ever see the dog when he comes home with that plastic cone?
Dr. Katz : Yeah.
Jake Johannsen : And they always look at you like, "What happened?"
Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.
Jake Johannsen : And you have to tell 'em, "Well, you were the one who wouldn't leave his ass alone. I TRIED to warn you. Tried putting that bad-tasting salve on there." I think that salve is really just a practical joke the vet is having with you. I don't think it even has anything to do with the dog. "Here, rub this on his ass." "All right..." "Twice a day!" "Dah..." I mean, I feel like it's gotta be a racket, once you find out how it's supposed to work. You know that salve, you know what I'm talking about, right? That salve?
Dr. Katz : Right.
Jake Johannsen : You put it on the dog's stitches or his butt, supposed to keep him from licking, right?
Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.
Jake Johannsen : The vet says he won't lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog. Hello! He's already licking his ASS! What could that salve possibly taste like? Worse than ASS flavor?
Dr. Katz : Mmm.
Jake Johannsen : Our brains are not big enough to imagine a flavor like that! No matter how bad it tastes, the dog's gotta be thinkin': "Well, I can still kinda taste the ass through it a little bit. It's not that bad."
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Jake Johannsen : All my married friends, they find out I broke up, and they're all like, "Hey, now you can have sex with whoever you want!" 'Cause they forget.
Dr. Katz : Right.
Jake Johannsen : Once you're married, you think being single is just, "You, me, the closet, go!" And, uh, I have to straighten them out. I say, "Yeah, I can have sex with whoever I want... except for people I don't know, and people that are in relationships, and people who give me the creeps, and people who I give the creeps to, and... men." So pretty quick, we're down to my ex-girlfriends.
