Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (TV Series)

Ball and Chain (1999)

Jonathan Katz: Dr. Katz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Katz : Let's talk about your childhood.

  Kevin Meaney : My parents would always have company come over, ya know.

  Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.

  Kevin Meaney : "Mr. Richter's coming over." I'd always hear that one.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Kevin Meaney : "Mr. Richter's coming over and he just got back from Sweden and he had a sex change operation. I don't want any of you kids to say anything about him being a woman! You've got something to say, you just tell him how pretty he looks." Peterkins were always coming over too.

  Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.

  Kevin Meaney : Oh, I hated the Peterkins. They didn't have any kids, so they'd come over and look at US. My mother was always tellin' us, too, that Mrs. Peterkin was sick. "She's sick. Are ya HAPPY? She's sick!" "What's wrong with her?" "She's got thyroid. So don't be mentioning the G.D. thyroid when she gets here." We didn't know what thyroid was! Next thing we knew, Peterkin shows up and she's got these big eyes from outer space.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Kevin Meaney : Sittin' around the dinner table, she's lookin' at us, we're lookin' at her, nobody's blinkin'.

  Dr. Katz : Right.

  Kevin Meaney : Aunt Rose, she wouldn't make it any easier on us, either. "I hear old bug-eye Peterkin's comin' over tonight. Hey kids, look what I got:

  [holding light bulbs in front of her eyes] 

  Kevin Meaney : Bug-eye Peterkin's eyes! Last night, they finally blew!"

• Dr. Katz : Do you think, someday, that you'll get married, Ben?

  Ben Katz : Hmm.

  Dr. Katz : 'Cause I actually think you are the marrying type. I think that you'd make a great husband, a great dad.

  Ben Katz : Yeah, I just don't think I, I would be well-suited. I mean, think about it: The same person, day in, day out, sitting across the table from you. Every stupid thing he says, every boring story he tells...

  Dr. Katz : How come you keep saying "he", "he", "he", you're talking about ME...

  Ben Katz : Oh my GOD, I'm sick of the way you talk. And the way you eat. Like, you eat out of the corner of your mouth.

  Dr. Katz : Well...

  Ben Katz : And here's another thing that bothers me.

  Dr. Katz : Yeah?

  Ben Katz : Why do you throw away the cream when it's half done?

  Dr. Katz : Because if you don't throw it away, it'll turn- it'll go sour.

  Ben Katz : It doesn't get bad after one day!

  Dr. Katz : We should get counseling, Ben. This is so petty.

  Ben Katz : That's so typical of you to say that. "We should get counseling." So smug.

  Dr. Katz : I'm not being smug, I'm trying to salvage what's, what's left of this marriage.

  Ben Katz : Why don't you just go to work and I'll clean up.

  Dr. Katz : Okay, Ben, I'll, I'll see you later, then.

  Ben Katz : What time are you gonna be home?

  Dr. Katz : I'll be home usual time!

  Ben Katz : Well, don't be late. And...

  Dr. Katz : I won't be late.

  Ben Katz : ...Do I get a kiss on the cheek, or what?

  Dr. Katz : Yes, you do. C'mere.

  [gives Ben a raspberry kiss on his cheek] 

  Dr. Katz : Ow, that tickles.

  Ben Katz : Why do you do that?