- Charlie Harper: Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch. How does he do it? What does he have that I don't?
- Alan Harper: Well, judging from first impressions: a genuine love of children and bladder control.
- Charlie Harper: That was a cheap shot.
- Alan Harper: I take them when I can.
- Charlie Harper: Remember those songs I recorded last week?
- Jake Harper: Those songs sucked.
- Charlie Harper: Of course they sucked! They're kids' songs!
- Charlie Harper: [on phone] Well, I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do, sue me? Really?
- [to Alan]
- Charlie Harper: Can he sue me?
- Alan Harper: Did you sign a contract?
- Charlie Harper: [back on phone] What time is the concert?
- Charlie Harper: Hey, guess what?
- Alan Harper: There's no God?
- Charlie Harper: On the contrary. There *is* a God, and he love me long time.
- Charlie Harper: [talking about Vicki's daughter, Jodie, at the grocery store] Her birthday's coming up?
- Vicki: This weekend she'll be six.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, what a magical age. Tell you what - how would Jodie like a free "Charlie Waffles" birthday concert?
- Vicki: You would do that?
- Charlie Harper: Who loves kids?
- Vicki: Charlie Waffles.
- Charlie Harper: Riiiiight. Call me.
- Vicki: [reading Charlie's business card] Look, it's got a waffle on it! How adorable.
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] Told you I had to pick something up.