- A no-nonsense woman shows up at the firehouse talking trash and looking for a date. Janet offers Tommy an ultimatum, Needles and Lou concoct a battle of the sexes, and Sean's medical condition takes a trip below the belt.
- Tommy wakes up in his clothes in the back of the bar. He finds all his relatives boozing out front. He keeps walking. There's a truck outside and a building smoldering. The dream sequence continues as he sees Sheila and Janet as tiny flaming Tinkerbells. And then he sees the woman from last week (Maura Tierney) who ran into her burning building to get something. Tommy stands up from a pile of gear, sees the woman again and walks past the guys working on a burning car. Teddy appears dead inside with Eddie at the wheel. Tommy crashes into the next sequence, ashes all around him in a smoldering building. He sees Jimmy. Then he jerks awake in the firehouse.
Later, he finds Lou in the kitchen and they begin ranking Jennifer Aniston's various body parts, as sometimes happens among dudes.
Then the woman from the fire walks in, calling Tommy "Ron Howard" and "Opie." She wants to see "Pillow Lips." She wants to thank him. They tell her Franco's taken. They want to know what was in the box. She's not telling. She asks about the other guys, including the Vampire (Damien) and the Idiot (Mike). Mike comes in and she asks him out to drinks tomorrow.
The guys watch the Kim Kardashian sex tape. Lou tries to understand where her boyfriend Reggie Bush's head is at dating her. Janet walks in. The guys scurry.
She asks Tommy if there's anything he wants to say before she lays it out. He asks if he looks like Ron Howard.
Janet lays out her plan: Katie will leave the house in five years, so she thinks he should stick around that long. They'll continue having sex, but only with each other. If he says no she can personally guarantee his kids will hate him. As she leaves, she says if he needs to talk to someone about it, he might try talking to pa the next time they go down to the fishing hole. (Opie reference, youngsters.) From the other side of the door the guys start whistling the theme to "Andy Griffith."
Sparring in the ring, Franco is getting his butt kicked. He says he's hungover from the lesbian brawl. Needles is sorry he missed it. Then they have a genius idea: putting Franco in the ring with a ferocious lesbian.
Black Shawn helps Colleen move in with her dad. Tommy lays down the ground rules: not that she can't have sex with Shawn living there, just that they can't do it when he might ever be coming home. And he never wants to see her lacy underwear ("fun-derwear") in the wash. Colleen says Katie is on the verge of forgiving her mom. She says Katie was freaked out over the affair with Johnny and wanted to live with Tommy, which is how private school happened. Tommy takes just a moment to appreciate that his daughter wanted to live with him and he never knew.
In the hallway, Tommy tells Shawn the sex rules. Shawn says he can't make any promises, when she wants it, she wants it.
Sean walks in to the firehouse, distressed. He went on a date last night, but has serious problems in his pants.
He got to the crucial part of the evening but the girl freaked out. She said "it" was discolored. So Sean wants Mike to take a look -- fair turnabout for when Mike thought he had a tumor and Sean felt him up.
Sean unzips his pants and Mike waits with his back turned. He looks and says it looks like a baby carrot, and then a hairy cheese doodle. Franco comes in and offers to take a gander. He asks if Sean's been humping a bowl of yams. Then Shawn walks in and wants to see. All three peer in. But Shawn wants another look. This time Damien comes in. They send him out to get Lou to come look. Lou responds immediately.
He puts on his reading glasses and then asks why Sean's Johnson looks like George Hamilton.
They cross off the chance he's been having sex with dirty chicks and then presume he's been enjoying himself too much or not using the proper lubricant. Sean says he's using Mike's Jergens. Hold up, Mike asks, which Jergens? There's the lotion and then there's the self tanner. Mystery solved.
Sean says that'd explain his predicament. And why his hand is also orange.
In the kitchen, Lou finds Needles. He asks him to be his best man. Needles in touched, but asks why not Tommy? Lou explains the Candy history and that Tommy isn't really in favor. Lou says Tommy's the best man, he needs Needles to be a best man buffer. Needles says he's there for him. Good, says Lou, because he needs Needles to tell Tommy he's not his best man. Needles tells him to get a new buffer.
Shawn offers to give Tommy a ride home, so he can see Colleen. Tommy thinks that'll put him over the limit on visits per week. Sheila calls Tommy. She needs him to fix her sink.
He goes over. He waits for her to bring up the situation. She claims the sink wasn't an excuse. Tommy says the situation is lose-lose and he doesn't want to lose access to Katie and the baby. In response Sheila describes how much he turns her on, but if he doesn't choose her, there will be another guy and the same goes for Janet. She leans in close to him and quietly whispers about the things they do for each other and the attraction and how that would all go away. She practically wafts sex at him, oozing heat and passion. He's practically immobilized by the quiet seduction. "As far as my crazy train is concerned," she says, "I'm not the one who sees my dead husband. How's he doing, by the way?" Tommy's ready to kiss her, but she stands up and walks away. Tommy stares at her a--, and his very, very difficult decision.
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