- Ned: I'm Superman, I've got a finger faster than a speeding bullet. C'mon, who can I touch?
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Ned, you're touching dead things again?
- Ned: Ah, no more pretending to be normal. The best way I can help anyone is by being a pie-making dead-waker. Pretending to be someone I'm not is a recipe for disaster. So I say yes to super and no to normal.
- Roy 'Buster' Bustamante: What do we always say about the past?
- Olive Snook: It makes an ass out of you and me.
- Emerson Cod: Little Pee Wee bother to mention she told Papa #1 and Papa #2 that your man ain't your man, he's hers?
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: No, she didn't.
- Emerson Cod: Loanin' pie-boyfriend to your besty, who's in love with him, to pull the wool over fake-papas' peepers is the kinda idea that gives a bad idea the will to live.
- Ned: Now that I'm out of dead-waking and back to just pie-baking and no longer touching dead fruit, I can eat my own pie. I'm gonna get fat, aren't I?
- Olive Snook: Oh, no, I'm slipping, I can't hold on much longer! If there's anything you'd like to say to me, now would be the time! And if you could speak in the declarative only, using affirmative or comparative modifiers...
- Emerson Cod: Ambulance sirens blaring and I've got my chasing shoes on.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Are you sure you don't want to untie those apron strings and lace up those chasing laces?
- Ned: My apron is staying on, with its strings securely tied in a double figure-eight follow-through knot.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What about me?
- Emerson Cod: No conversation I ever wanna have begins with those three words.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I may not be Superman, but I'm smart and I'm helpful. I mean, maybe I could be your sidekick. I'd be the Alive-Again Avenger who came back from the dead to solve her own murder, and stayed back from the dead to bring justice to murder victims everywhere, with the help of a crusty unflappable streetwise gumshoe.
- Emerson Cod: That would make me the sidekick.
- Ned: Who wants to be Superman? Not me. I say no to "Super", and yes to "Man". I'm Clark Kent.
- Emerson Cod: Well, that's just downright crap-tastic, Clark.
- Emerson Cod: A woman still in the holiday spirit, guzzles too many spirits, does a Gene Kelly round the rosy, slips, bonks her noggin, ends up in the fountain.
- Randy Mann: Miss Olive, I meant no offense by that "ho". The intent was to be jolly, not derogatory.
- Ned: Did you guys just get out?
- Jerry Holmes: Just.
- Randy Mann: Escaped! The word that's supposed to follow that "just" is "escaped".
- Roy 'Buster' Bustamante: Hop up on your guy's lap there, okay? My jingles gotta have some room to jangle.
- Vivian Charles: The news of your engagement has restored in me a faith that true love exists for people who deserve it.
- Olive Snook: That's so depressing...
- Olive Snook: Listen up! Because I'm only gonna say this once. First and foremost, I'm sorry. Both for what I'm about to tell you and the hysteria with which I'm about to tell it, which is in no way directed at any of you, nor is it related to a female issue of any kind!