Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (2007)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?

  Charlie Harper : Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

• [Alan looks into signing up for drug trials] 

  Clinician : In such cases, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums...

  Alan Harper : [Nervous]  Okay...

  Clinician : ...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...

  Alan Harper : [More nervous]  Wow!

  Clinician : ...boils, shingles, sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stools.

  Alan Harper : [Shocked]  Dear Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?

  Clinician : $1,000 a week.

  Alan Harper : I'm in!

• Jake Harper : Did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?

  Alan Harper : A present?

  Jake Harper : Yeah. You know, a memento of your time together.

  Alan Harper : Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

• [Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money] 

  Evelyn Harper : [Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl]  What can I do for you, Alan?

  Alan Harper : [pause]  Nothing. Never mind.

• Charlie Harper : Relax. Something will turn up.

  Alan Harper : [Ill after suffering the side effects from the drug trial]  I'm pretty sure something's already turned up. I think I just dropped a third testicle.

• Alan Harper : [about to give Berta bad news about a possible cut in wages]  First and foremost, you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family...

  Berta : [Interrupting]  Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut.