The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Nerdvana Annihilation (2008)
Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter
Photos
Quotes
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Raj Koothrappali : [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard Hofstadter : I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon Cooper : In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard Wolowitz : It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj Koothrappali : Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard Hofstadter : How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard Wolowitz : If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon Cooper : I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard Wolowitz : Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
[Howard walks over to the elevator]
Howard Wolowitz : When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]
Howard Wolowitz : [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.
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Leonard Hofstadter : [Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection] Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Sheldon Cooper : Who cares, as long as you pick me?
Raj Koothrappali : Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Leonard Hofstadter : Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon Cooper : [blocking the stairwell] No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon Cooper : [taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box] None shall pass.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production error "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.
Howard Wolowitz : [nervously] Okay, man, be cool. We're all friends here.
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Sheldon Cooper : [looking at the time machine prop in the apartment] I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon Cooper : The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Howard Wolowitz : Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Sheldon Cooper : Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard Wolowitz : You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?
Raj Koothrappali : He's got a point.
Sheldon Cooper : All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Leonard Hofstadter : Seconded.
Howard Wolowitz : [sheepishly] I was gonna put down a towel.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
Raj Koothrappali : Why?
Leonard Hofstadter : 'Cause I don't want it anymore.
Howard Wolowitz : Why?
Leonard Hofstadter : Just personal reasons.
Sheldon Cooper : My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter : Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
Raj Koothrappali : I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard Wolowitz : Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard Hofstadter : I paid $200 for my share.
Raj Koothrappali : Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
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[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper : Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss cheese on whole wheat.
Raj Koothrappali : What did they give you?
Sheldon Cooper : Turkey and roast beef with Swiss cheese and lettuce on whole wheat.
[Raj and Wolowitz just look at Sheldon, dumbfounded]
Sheldon Cooper : It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard Hofstadter : [at his computer, not paying attention] I don't believe it.
Sheldon Cooper : I know. It's basic culinary science.
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[upset by Penny's comments, Leonard sits in the time machine]
Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard Hofstadter : So?
Sheldon Cooper : So, it's my turn.
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Raj Koothrappali : I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sheldon Cooper : Hold on. "Bimonthly" is an ambiguous term. Do you mean every other month or twice a month?
Raj Koothrappali : Twice a month.
Sheldon Cooper : Then no.
Raj Koothrappali : Okay, every other month.
Sheldon Cooper : No.
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Sheldon Cooper : [Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine"] I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard Hofstadter : I know. But, I still can't afford it.
Howard Wolowitz : Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
Raj Koothrappali : A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper : Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon Cooper : [cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size] I understand why no one else bid.
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Penny : [hearing the commotion in the hallway] If this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
Leonard Hofstadter : No, I needed to hear it.
Penny : No, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy. And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard Wolowitz : [sotto to Raj] I guess that makes me large breasts.
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Sheldon Cooper : Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard Hofstadter : Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon Cooper : You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it. Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard Hofstadter : Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon Cooper : Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard Hofstadter : What if I knock you unconscious right now?
Sheldon Cooper : It won't change the past.
Leonard Hofstadter : But it'd make the present so much nicer.
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Leonard Hofstadter : [trying to get the time machine prop upstairs] Come on, guys, push!
Howard Wolowitz : If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
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Penny : What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter : Just, you know, moving something upstairs.
Penny : What is it?
Leonard Hofstadter : Just, you know... time machine.
Penny : Yeah, okay, neat, but I really gotta get to work, so...
Leonard Hofstadter : Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny : I don't have a few minutes. I'm running really late.
Sheldon Cooper : Well, then I have a simple solution. Go up to the roof, hop over to the next building - there's a small gap, don't look down if you're subject to vertigo - and use their stairwell.
Penny : You're joking, right?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
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Penny : Okay, I'll just take the roof.
Leonard Hofstadter : Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work, yesterday.
[Penny is not amused]
Leonard Hofstadter : Time travel jokes, never mind.
Sheldon Cooper : For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
[giggles]
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Leonard Hofstadter : Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon Cooper : I disagree. But your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on it's own.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Yes, I'm upset.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
[turns and walks back to his room]
Leonard Hofstadter : Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh wait, did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard Hofstadter : I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon Cooper : Wow! I'm on fire tonight.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10, 1876.
Howard Wolowitz : Good choice. Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr. Watson.
Sheldon Cooper : Wait a minute. I want to see that too.
Leonard Hofstadter : So, when it;s your turn, you can.
Sheldon Cooper : But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab's going to get very crowded. He'll know something's up.
