Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates Caruso (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown in a health food store.

• Greg Wuliger : So, FYI, my sources tell me that Yao likes using the upstairs bathroom by the art room.

  Chris : What sources? What are you, "Spenser for Hire"?

  Narrator : I guess that makes me Hawk.

• Chris : [to Caruso]  Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

  Joey Caruso : What are you doing?

  Narrator : Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

• Bernard Yao : [to Chris]  What do you want?

  Chris : I have a problem and I need your help.

  Bernard Yao : I got my own problems.

  Chris : I guarantee you they cannot be worse than mine.

  Bernard Yao : I'm failing math. I got work to do. I don't have time for this.

  Chris : Wait, you're not good at math?

  Bernard Yao : What, just because I'm Asian, I have to be good in math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

  Chris : I didn't mean it like that. And, no, I can't moonwalk.

  Bernard Yao : So, I can't use chopsticks.

  Chris : I don't like watermelon.

  Bernard Yao : I can't make a swan out of paper.

  Chris : I don't have sickle cell anemia.

  Bernard Yao : I don't own a dry cleaners.

  Narrator : I bet you like rice.

• Rochelle : [to Julius]  Baby, get some rest. Pay attention to your health for a change.

  Julius : There's nothing wrong with my health.

  Rochelle : You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

  Narrator : My mother was making a lot of sense. Unfortunately, all my father heard was...

  Rochelle : You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heating, cooling, washing, drying...

• Narrator : On the upside, Caruso was no longer on my back. On the downside, I was getting beat like eggs at IHOP.

• Narrator : If that's what my mother looks like catching my father with another job, it's no wonder he never had another woman.