- Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
- Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
- Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
- Alan Garner: World War II.
- Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
- Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
- Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
- Lisa: Sure.
- Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
- Lisa: What do you mean?
- Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
- Lisa: No.
- Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
- Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
- Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
- Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
- Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
- Alan Garner: Thank you.
- Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
- Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
- Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
- Stu Price: It's also illegal.
- Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
- Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
- Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
- Stu Price: [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
- [stops suddenly]
- Stu Price: well then we're shit out of luck.
- Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
- [awkward laughter]
- Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
- Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
- Phil Wenneck: Ben.
- Alan Garner: Carlos.
- Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.
- Melissa: Fuck off!
- Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.
- Melissa: Suck my dick.
- Alan Garner: No, thank you.
- Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
- Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
- Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
- Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
- Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
- Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
- Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
- Phil Wenneck: The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?
- Dr. Valsh: I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
- Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
- Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
- Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
- Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
- Melissa: That is not how this works!
- Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
- Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
- Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
- Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
- Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
- Melissa: You're an idiot!
- Stu Price: You're a - You...
- [struggles]
- Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
- Mike Tyson: By the way man, where you get that cop car from?
- Stu Price: We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.
- Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
- [laughing]
- Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's nice!
- Phil Wenneck: Who's this?
- Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
- Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
- Phil Wenneck: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
- Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
- [tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
- Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
- Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
- [Alan steps forward]
- Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
- [to Phil]
- Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
- Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
- Phil Wenneck: You don't really want to do this.
- Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
- Phil Wenneck: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
- Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
- [the girl tasers Phil]
- Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
- Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
- [the kid tasers Alan]
- Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*
- Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
- [to himself]
- Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.
- Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
- Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
- Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
- Stu Price: I should go.
- Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
- Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
- [the old man walks away]
- Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
- Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
- Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
- Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
- Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
- Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
- Phil Wenneck: SHIT!
- Alan Garner: Shoot!
- Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
- Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
- Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
- Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
- Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
- Tracy Garner: What?
- Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.
- Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
- Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
- Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
- Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
- Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
- Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
- Lisa: What do you mean?
- Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
- Lisa: I'm not sure.
- Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
- Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
- Alan Garner: That'll work.
- Stu Price: That is not Doug.
- Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
- Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
- Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.
- [last lines]
- Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
- Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
- Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
- Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
- Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
- Phil Wenneck: Deal!
- Stu Price: Deal.
- Alan Garner: OK.
- [the four of them look into the camera]
- Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
- Alan Garner: That's classic!
- Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
- Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
- Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
- Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
- Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
- Stu Price: No I don't think so.
- Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.
- Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
- Alan Garner: Wearing what?
- Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
- Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
- Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
- Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.
- [laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
- Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.
- Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.
- Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.
- Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
- Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
- Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
- Doug Billings: What?
- Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
- Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
- Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
- Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
- [In the wedding]
- Alan Garner: How's my hair?
- Stu Price: That's good.
- Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's?
- Stu Price: It's classic Phil.
- Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
- Black Doug: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
- Stu Price: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
- Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
- Alan Garner: Or how 'bout rapies?
- Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
- Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
- Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
- Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
- Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
- Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
- Stu Price: Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
- Phil Wenneck: He'll be fine. I cracked a window.
- Phil Wenneck: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
- Stu Price: What's it look like?
- Phil Wenneck: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
- Doug Billings: She's not that bad.
- Phil Wenneck: Doug, she beats him!
- Stu Price: That was once, and I was out of line.
- Stu Price: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
- Phil Wenneck: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.