Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (2007)
Angus T. Jones: Jake Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [taking a photo of Jake, before he gets on the school bus] Smile.
Jake Harper : About what?
Alan Harper : I need a current photo, in case you go missing.
Charlie Harper : Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids!
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Berta : Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.
Jake Harper : Okay.
Berta : Just never drink out of his Thermos.
Jake Harper : All right.
Berta : And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!
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Alan Harper : I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.
Jake Harper : Oh, cool!
Alan Harper : Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
Jake Harper : Emergencies? What emergencies?
Charlie Harper : [Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!
Alan Harper : That only happened once.
Charlie Harper : If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.
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Jake Harper : I bet it's swamp ass.
Charlie Harper : What's swamp ass?
Berta : Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.
Jake Harper : Man, I hate swamp ass.
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Alan Harper : Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake Harper : Like what?
Alan Harper : Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake Harper : How come?
Alan Harper : Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.
Jake Harper : Who are "they"?
Alan Harper : The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.
Jake Harper : [Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet?
Charlie Harper : D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan!
[to Jake]
Charlie Harper : It's not so much plunging as... dipping.
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Charlie Harper : Gettin' hit in the face hurts, but you know what hurts more?
Jake Harper : A kick in the crotch?
Charlie Harper : [not the example he was going to use] Well, yeah, sure...
Jake Harper : I took a soccer ball to the 'nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out.
Charlie Harper : Yeah, but, but, but that, that pain passes. What hurts more, and lasts longer than anything, is the humiliation of running away.
Jake Harper : Couldn't ride my bike for a week.
Alan Harper : Ah, Jake, I think you're missing the point.
Jake Harper : Makes ya wonder what they're doin' hangin' down there in the first place.