Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (2007)

Conchata Ferrell: Berta

Quotes 

• Berta : Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.

  Jake Harper : Okay.

  Berta : Just never drink out of his Thermos.

  Jake Harper : All right.

  Berta : And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!

• Charlie Harper : Hey, Berta! How have you been washing my underwear?

  Berta : Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.

  Charlie Harper : I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

  Berta : Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks!

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...

  Alan Harper : Excuse me! I'm sitting here, eating a breakfast sausage!

  Charlie Harper : It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

• Jake Harper : I bet it's swamp ass.

  Charlie Harper : What's swamp ass?

  Berta : Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

  Jake Harper : Man, I hate swamp ass.