- Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
- Mary: [Firmly] Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
- Sheldon: Why?
- Mary: [All but yelling] Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids?
- [Drops a pair of shoes down]
- Mary: Now let's get crackin'! Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off!
- Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
- Sheldon: [reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser] As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.
- Mary: He gets his temper from his daddy. He's got my eyes. All that science stuff, oh, that comes from Jesus.
- Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
- Mary: Leonard called me.
- Sheldon: I know, but why?
- Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
- Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!
- [first lines]
- Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
- Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
- Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
- Leonard: Interesting.
- Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
- Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
- Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
- Howard Wolowitz: [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.
- Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
- [turning to Sheldon]
- Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And you are?
- Sheldon: [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.
- [turning to Leonard]
- Sheldon: How was that?
- Mary: [praying before dinner; aside to Raj and Howard] Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' Name," but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
- Mary: I tell you, I love the boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.
- Sheldon: There's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much. What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
- Sheldon: There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
- Penny: What?
- Sheldon: Think about it. It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
- Penny: You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
- Sheldon: Well, 30, 35... When did your mother go into menopause?
- Penny: I'm not talking about this with you.
- Sheldon: This is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle... Are you fairly regular?
- Mary Cooper: I remember one summer when he was 13. He built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government come by and sat him down real gentle and told him it's against the law to have yellow-cake uranium in a shed.
- Penny: What happened?
- Mary Cooper: Well, poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
- Leonard Hofstadter: A death ray?
- Mary Cooper: Well that's what he called it. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end.
- Summer: [to Howard, after he introduces her to the others as his 'special lady friend"] I told you, touching is extra.
- Sheldon Cooper: Let me do the math for you. This car weighs, lest say 4000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
- Penny: 120?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
- Penny: Well, yeah.
- Sheldon Cooper: How's this: Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the University's chosen to hire you despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years and instead have written a series of popular books that reduced the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement... mahalo.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mahalo's a nice touch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
- Koothrappali: Oh, God, look at this buffet. I love America.
- Leonard: Don't they have buffets in India?
- Koothrappali: Of course, but it's all Indian food. Try and find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.
- Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [Hinting to Sheldon that he got his job back] Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?
- Leonard: [He and an older woman come upstairs] Thanks for coming on such short notice.
- Mary: [Quietly] You did the right thing calling.
- Leonard: I didn't know what to do. He's lost all focus. Every day he's got a new obsession.
- [They enter the apartment and see Sheldon at work at a loom]
- Leonard: This is a particularly disturbing one.
- Sheldon: [He turns around on that and is shocked to see her] Mommy?
- Mary: [Walks up and hugs him] Hi baby!
- [as she does, Sheldon looks at Leonard and mouths, "You called my mother?" to which Leonard has a guilt look on his face]
- Mary Cooper: That looks awful fancy. What is that?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life form.
- Sheldon Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?