- Madeline Westen: [about Nate] Do you know what his first word was? It was "Michael."
- Michael Westen: It was "juice." I was there. His first word was "juice."
- Madeline Westen: Well he was looking right at you when he said it. You know what he meant.
- Michael Westen: [voice-over] Stun guns are a great way to bring down a larger opponent. The only problem is, if you use one on someone who is touching you, you'll zap yourself too.
- Sam Axe: [after she shocks herself with a stun gun] Feeling better, Fi?
- Fiona Glenanne: Everyone could use a few thousand volts from time to time. It clears the mind.
- Sam Axe: What can I say, Mike? The guy ate like it was his last meal. And the liquor, I mean I've had gun shot wounds hurt less than this hangover.
- Michael Westen: [voiceover] It's unfortunate, but true, that no makeup can simulate blood and bruises well enough to stand up to close observation. So if your cover requires looking like you've been beaten...
- [Fionna punches Michael]
- Michael Westen: ...you have to get beaten.
- [Michael groans in pain]
- Michael Westen: Yeah. Yeah.
- [Fionna punches Michael again]
- Michael Westen: Ow!
- [Michael groans in pain again, and then gets punched by Nate]
- Michael Westen: Nate!
- Nate Westen: What? Just trying to be a team player.
- [first lines]
- Michael Westen: [voiceover] Get your hands on any classified document worth having, chances are it's going to be redacted, which makes reading it a lot like watching a movie on an airplane. All the juicy parts are missing, but you still get the basic idea.
- Michael Westen: [voice-over] Jobs in agriculture are a convenient cover; makes it easy to explain your presence in the field and the boardroom; the only downside is, you might have to become an expert on chickpeas.
- Michael Westen: [voice-over] In the spy game, you spend a lot of time getting people to betray their own. Most do it for money. Some do it for spite. But the greatest achievement is to get a guy to turn on his own people because he thinks he's being loyal.