The Thick of It (TV Series)

Spinners and Losers (2007)

Martin Savage: Nick Hanway

Quotes 

• Oliver Reeder : Ben. A quick thought.

  Ben Swain : Come on, then, enlighten us, grasshoper.

  Oliver Reeder : Tom's dying. He doesn't have to die. We can take his DNA and transfer it to a healthier host.

  Ben Swain : What are you talking about?

  Oliver Reeder : Science fiction analogy. What I'm saying is why don't we sound out a potential fallback?

  Nick Hanway : Who?

  Oliver Reeder : Claire Ballantine. She's highly regarded, she's clean...

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, yeah, I get it... To be honest, I was really hoping that was gonna be shit because I'm tired and I quite like to hit somebody.

• Jamie : It's show time! Can Teflon Tucker save the Nutters or will Dan Miller rip his sculp off and use it as an oven glove?

  Nick Hanway : [Ben and Nick coming down the stairs]  Guys! Is he here? Dan's not arrived yet, is he?

  Malcolm Tucker : Laurel and fucking Hardy! Glad you could join us. Did you manage to get that piano up the stairs ok, yeah?

  Jamie : Oh, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Right Honourable Dan Miller, MP!

  Dan Miller : Oh, the reception committee. What a turn out. And they say no one is interested in politics. Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Nick.

  Nick Hanway : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Ben.

  Ben Swain : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Jamie.

  Jamie : God, enough with the pleasensies here, let's just oil up and get fucking, yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm looking forward to today.

  Dan Miller : Today should be very interesting.

  Malcolm Tucker : I just wonder what are you actually gonna be saying on Today.

  Dan Miller : On the Today program? Well I'll be saying that I'll be fully endorsing Tom. Tom's my guy and he always has been.

  Nick Hanway : Really? Is that it? No buts, no elephant traps?

  Dan Miller : No, no. Tom and I came to an arrangement about an hour or so ago.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, my work here is done.

  Nick Hanway : Why wasn't I told?

  Jamie : [Jamie does a flying movement with his hand, complete with whistling. Nick looks at him in puzzlement]  It's the sound of you flying out of the loop head first into a huge mound of shite.

  Nick Hanway : So this whole evening has just been a waste of time.

  [Jamie does the flying thing again] 

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, yeah, I got it, got it.

  Dan Miller : Yes, yes, that's pretty much it. That's why I went home, had a good night's sleep. Oh, by the way, Malcolm, Tom said to liaise with you on the press and...

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes, yes, offfcourse, yeah...

  [Tucker recieves a message on his beeper] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, God. Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning, some details about Claire Ballentine maybe, Geoff Holhurst, young Benjamin here.

  Nick Hanway : Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.

• Malcolm Tucker : So how's the rebrand going?

  Nick Hanway : Ok. We've booked him for a photo op on Tuesday, he's taking the family to a harvester.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, Jesus Christ. Really? "Have you been to a harvester before, Prime Minister?" "No, in fact I've never been actually out of the fucking house with my family before".

  Nick Hanway : Anyway, look, do you know the name of the guy who's booked to go on Today in the morning?

  Malcolm Tucker : Sure, yeah... Do YOU know?

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, we've just found out. So, you know who it is.

  Malcolm Tucker : Offcourse I know! There's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Doctor fucking Know.

  Nick Hanway : Who is it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you testing me now? 'Cause I could test you and we could have a big match of testostothone. I mean how do I know that you've got the fucking name anyway?

  Nick Hanway : Because Hugo at Today told us.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right.

  Nick Hanway : So what name have you got?

  Malcolm Tucker : [long pause]  Dan Miller!

  Nick Hanway : Oh, ok, so you do know...

  Malcolm Tucker : 'course I fucking do...

  Nick Hanway : Look, Tom's announcing his team in the morning and I got to to stop Dan Miller from announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so if you wanna get on the bus...

  Malcolm Tucker : That is my mission. You, mister Nutty-Bar, have given me a task. Jesus Christ! Who the fuck does Tom think he is?

  Nick Hanway : The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm.

  [Turning to leave] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Nick. Tell mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fudd.

  Jamie : [Jamie comes into the office]  Oh, Trinny and Susannah! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so fuck you and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!

• Malcolm Tucker : You've got that bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?

  Jamie : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : You and I will have a little discussion later!

  Jamie : I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs SatNav to find his own nipples.

  Malcolm Tucker : What are you talking about?

  Jamie : I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumors, you know. How the guy who's about to become Prime Minister chuggs antidepressant like they're fucking Smints. How the black dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months! I think that they'll bump the Watford walkout.

  Malcolm Tucker : You gone fucking psycho, son. Fucking psycho. Twat!

  Malcolm Tucker : [cut to Number 10, Nick and Malcolm are both on the phone]  The leader of the Nutters is a nutter! Jesus , my niece is funnier than that, she just makes jokes about poo! No, I don't think that they will run with it because it's liveless. It's just as liveless as the Hugh Edwards rumor. Look, it's not my jurisdiction anyway, Nick Hanway looks after Tom, not me. Thanks, bye!

  Nick Hanway : Oh you're not dealing with this then?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes I am dealing with it, but oficially you're dealing with it, because I don't wanna step on any toes.

  Nick Hanway : Everyone gets down now and again, don't they? Loads of people take antidepressants, millions.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, your potential Prime Minister, for one.

  Nick Hanway : Oh, "your" potential Prime Minister, not "ours".

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh look, don't start with the fucking semantics shit again. You know what I call "semantics"? Wank!

  Nick Hanway : So, what do you say, we bury it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you asking me to manage this?

  Nick Hanway : Tom's not sure about you.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, Tom's enormously mental in the head, that's what we've just been discussing.

• Malcolm Tucker : Nick, I've just had the Mail on the phone. They're running with the Tom story.

  Nick Hanway : That's not looking good.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, it's not good, I'm sorry, it's everywhere, spreading faster than a rent-boy's cheeks. We're gonna need a plan B here.

  Nick Hanway : What about... Geoff Holhurst?

  Malcolm Tucker : His head photographs quite badly, so...

  Nick Hanway : Ok... Do you think Ben could run?

  Malcolm Tucker : If you think... I mean, look, it's up to you, Nick. If you think... I can try him out, if you think he will...

  Nick Hanway : Yeah. Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : Let's get him in. Give him a wash and brush-out. We'll botox his eyes open! I'll get the press to stop calling him Blinky-Ben.

  Nick Hanway : Yes.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah?

  Nick Hanway : That's a matter of priority.

• Jamie : Oh, Trinny and Susanna! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so fuck you and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!

  Malcolm Tucker : Fatty?

  Jamie : Oh, aye, Fatty, wee Spiderman in his fucking pijamas, what a fucking idea. From now on it's a proper fight! It's a pomp-fight, Motherwell rules! And Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye and a pool cue up his arse and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!

  Malcolm Tucker : Geoff Holhurst!

  Jamie : What, Mister Baby New Potato-Head? Fuck off.

• Ben Swain : [Tom's huddle, after the pills story spreads around, lavatory]  It's all gone a bit brawww out there, isn't it?

  Nick Hanway : There's always wobbles, there were last time.

  Ben Swain : Fat Pat was just on the phone to Tom, asking him if he wants to withdraw.

  Nick Hanway : Are you pissing about?

  Ben Swain : No, well, not anymore... So, what now?

  Nick Hanway : Fuck!

  Ben Swain : She wasn't saying he should withdraw, she was just saying he should... consider it.

  Nick Hanway : Have you gone mad in your blinky head? That's senior Communications telling our boss "You know, we'll just leave that shotgun lying there, in case you wanna use it, mister Cobain".

• Malcolm Tucker : Nick, good news! I've killed the antidepressants story! I've been onto the Mail, they're not gonna run it. The wobble is over. Tom is now cycling with stabilizers.

  Nick Hanway : That's great news. How did you do it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ah, I'd be telling you... But you'll let him know, yeah? You will tell the new Prime Minister who stopped this, yeah? 'Cause if you were to take all the credit well I may have to let him know that you were responcible for starting this Ben-running thing.

  Nick Hanway : Ben was just an option.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, yeah, yeah, well just you make sure I'm inside the tent, pissing out. In fact, forget the fucking tent, I want a caravan of my own, adjoining Tom's, with a big pissing veranda.

• Malcolm Tucker : I'll get the Press to stop calling him Blinky-Ben.

  Nick Hanway : Yeah. As a matter of priority.

• Jamie : Oh, Trinny and Susannah! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so

  [to Tucker] 

  Jamie : Fuck you and...

  [to Nick] 

  Jamie : ...fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you never fucking ask me a question again!

• Nick Hanway : Tom's not sure about you...

  Malcolm Tucker : Tom is enormously mental in the head, that's what we've just been discussing.

• Nick Hanway : Tom's announcing his team in the morning and I've got to to stop Dan Miller from announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so if you wanna get on the bus...

  Malcolm Tucker : That is my mission. You, mister Nutty-Bar, have given me a task. Jesus Christ! Who the fuck does Tom think he is?

  Nick Hanway : The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm.

• Malcolm Tucker : Nick, I've just had the Mail on the phone. They're running with the Tom story.

  Nick Hanway : This is not good...

  Malcolm Tucker : No, it's not good, I'm sorry, it's everywhere, spreading faster than a rent-boy's cheeks. We're gonna need a Plan B here.

  Nick Hanway : What about... Geoff Holhurst?

  Malcolm Tucker : His head photographs quite badly, so...