Alan David: Gareth

Quotes 

• Laura : When is Westminster going to wake up? Stand up for us and think of our future generations? When are they going to stop giving British sperm a bad name?

  Gareth : British sperm! What kind of a remark is that?

  Simon : Very ballsy.

  Gareth : Bloody rude.

  Simon : But she does seem to be speaking for the people.

  Gareth : No no no. We speak for the people, thank you. The people don't know enough to speak for themselves, and the last thing we need is any untutored outbursts of democratic demagoguery popping up like boils on our buttocks. I think you'd better go and have a sniff around.

  Simon : Oh. All right. Where is Flatby?

  Gareth : I don't know, Simon, look at a map. They have fish, so it's probably on the coast.

  Simon : Thank you, Gareth. Most helpful.

• Gareth : [dictating into a small recorder]  To the Minister. Sir: With regard to your wife's request for the return of the curved cucumber to our shops. Please, could you tell the good lady that it has taken the European Community seven years and forty million pounds to make the euro-cucumber the proud, firm, straight, and upright thing it is today. Hoping this will satisfy her, I remain, etcetera.