- Hank Moody: You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.
- Charlie Runkle: I'm sorry about your old man. You know, he was a good guy.
- Hank Moody: No he was not. He used to say you looked like a walking penis.
- Charlie Runkle: Well, that's not very nice.
- Al Moody: [seeing a guy who looks like Tom Cruise] I liked him in that Vietnam movie. He played a good cripple.
- Hank Moody: [re his father] That fucker is the horniest man I've ever met in my life! He'll be pitching a tent on his deathbed!