- Emerson Cod: What did you compete about?
- Olive Snook: Promise you won't laugh?
- Emerson Cod: NO
- Olive Snook: I used to be a professional horse jockey.
- Emerson Cod: Hahahaha!
- [mimics riding a horse]
- Emerson Cod: Hahahaha!
- [about his father]
- Ned: He was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best at goodbyes...
- Vivian Charles: "Jackass" is as good a word as any.
- Emerson Cod: There's a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs' tomb, and Olive knows you're dead.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I'm dead.
- Emerson Cod: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.
- Olive Snook: Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
- Emerson Cod: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
- Olive Snook: Not a furrier, a farrier. *Heir*.
- Emerson Cod: Fair-rier?
- Olive Snook: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
- Emerson Cod: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.
- Vivian Charles: Halloween is a busy time of year for us.
- Lily Charles: Some neighborhood children started rumors that we were witches. They said that we turn little boys into birds.
- Ned: That's terrible.
- Parrot: Rawk! Help me, help me. They turned me into a bird.
- Vivian Charles: Scares the woolies outta them.
- Olive Snook: [about Mamma Jacobs' house] Hansel and Gretel would've lived a lot longer if they had to find this dump.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hansel and Gretel lived, by the way, once they tricked the witch into the oven, they stole her jewels, went home with their father, only to discover that their stepmother, who had sent them into the woods had died of evilness.
- Emerson Cod: You can't die of evilness.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
- Olive Snook: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
- Emerson Cod: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Where've you been?
- Ned: Not important.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: It's important to me. I missed you.
- Mamma Jacobs: What did you say your name was? Brandon? Butch?
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Chuck.
- Mamma Jacobs: Chuck! I knew it was something unladylike.
- Mamma Jacobs: My point was that, I have made peace with Johnny's death. It wasn't easy at first but knowing that it was an accident, and that you stayed single, and that all the rest of them are drunks, it made it a little easier.
- Olive Snook: How do you know I'm still single?
- Mamma Jacobs: Well, you wouldn't need all that bait if your belly were full of fish dear.
- Olive Snook: John Joseph, you look gruh-ate!
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: And you beat death! You're alive!
- Olive Snook, Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yay!
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: So I guess you delivered some pies to my aunts.
- Olive Snook: Yeah, they're sweet. Probably would be a lot sweeter if they didn't think you were... murdered.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Did you tell them I was alive?
- Olive Snook: Kinda think that would make their little heads explode. What was that rhyme?
- [in a singsong tone]
- Olive Snook: "I scream, you scream, we all scream 'cause you faked your death!"
- [Ned says ghosts don't exist]
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: How do you know there's not a ghost somewhere right now telling his ghost friend, "You don't really think there's a guy who can touch dead people back to life, do you?"
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What if he changes when his blood sugar drops?
- Olive Snook: Like a hypoglycemic werewolf!
- Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
- Emerson Cod: Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.
- Emerson Cod: [Pretends to talk on a phone] Hey, money. It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you ever though you were Olive's money first? Uh-huh...
- Ned: Wait...
- Emerson Cod: Yeah. Okay then.
- [Chuckles]
- Emerson Cod: Thanks.
- Emerson Cod: [Serious look] The money don't care. Touch him.
- Emerson Cod: Check, please.
- [Olive slams two bundles of dollars before him]
- Emerson Cod: Or cash. Cash is good.
- Olive Snook: I want to hire you. Technically, I already have, since you were so grabby with the cash.
- Emerson Cod: Think of it as an escrow - between my thighs.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You go and do whatever private, secret, alone thing you need to go and do by yourself. Alone.
- Gordon McSmalls: [singing drunkenly and off-key] And never brought to mind...
- Ned: Could you not sing?
- Gordon McSmalls: If I don't sing, I throw up.
- Emerson Cod: Sing.
- [Chuck, wearing a white bedsheet with two holes for the eyes, goes up to her aunts' house and rings the doorbell]
- Vivian Charles: Is that clock right? It's two o'clock in the am!
- Lily Charles: I'll get my gun.
- Vivian Charles: And I'll get the candy bowl!
- [Mamma Jacobs is after them and Chuck just fell]
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Run! Save yourself!
- Olive Snook: No, no! She's after me, not you. Tell Ned I love... his pies!
- [Olive runs away to lure Mamma Jacobs her way to save Chuck]
- Olive Snook: That's the most tragic story I've ever heard. Notwithstanding the big ticket items like genocide and famine, but tragic nonetheless.
- Emerson Cod: You can't die of evilness.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
- Olive Snook: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
- Emerson Cod: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car
- Emerson Cod: Where've you been?
- Olive Snook: Not important.
- Emerson Cod: It's important to me. I missed you.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: So, does Ned know what you think you know?
- Olive Snook: Not yet.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Who does?
- Olive Snook: Who knows?
- Olive Snook: Maybe John Joseph faked his death, people do that all the time.
- Emerson Cod: No, they don't.
- Olive Snook: Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just, don't even try to cover it up. They just show up and ruin your life like no one's ever gonna figure it out. But then, you do figure it out 'cause you're not an idiot. Are you an idiot?
- Emerson Cod: No, because an idiot might misunderstand what you're saying and hit you with a shovel.