- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: What is wrong with me?
- Dr.Perry Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That question wasn't directed at you!
- Dr.Perry Cox: What question?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: All right fine, you wanna know why you almost blew it with Kim? It's because you knocked her up on your first date, and before you could get to know her, she betrayed you. And now you don't have strong feelings for her, and the only reason you guys are still together is because there's a kid involved. Which means you're gonna stick it out with her 'til the end, whether you love her or not.
- Dr.Perry Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the First Annual Sacred Heart Who-Caresies Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutiae of their lives.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] The weird thing was, I think we all really wanted to win.
- [J.D.'s fantasy starts]
- Dr.Perry Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Gonna Do About My Ex-Fiancé?"; Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging"; Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth"; The Todd for "Look At My New Shirt!".
- [on Todd's shirt is written SHHH! DONG SLEEPING]
- Dr.Perry Cox: And the winner is... Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
- [J.D.'s fantasy ends]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] Suck on that, Tony Shaloub!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] It was the simple answer, just like Turk said. I had knocked up a girl on our first date. And I don't have strong feelings for her, and probably never will. And the only reason we're still together is because there's a kid involved. Which means I'm gonna stay with her until the very end. Whether I love her, or not.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Her name's Lady?
- Janitor: Yeah.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Who's named Lady?
- Janitor: She is. She's got a brother named Him.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in. Look at it: Molebutt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly, Gift Shop Girl...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: None of those girls were good for you anyway. Well, except for Molebutt. I don't even know if Rumplefugly was a girl.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Stop it. Fugs was awesome.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: So are you gonna answer me or not?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: C'mon man, you know why you almost screwed things up with Kim. Don't make me say it.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: All right fine, the Harsh Truth Rule is in effect. I'll lay a harsh truth on you so when you lay one on me, you won't feel guilty.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: J.D., we don't need...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That's not even true! Did Carla tell you to say that?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, why? Does she think that too?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Awkward pause] No.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: J.D., you're not that self-destructive.
- Janitor: Really? I was gonna suggest he seek professional help.
- [to J.D]
- Janitor: Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? 'Cause I know a guy, he's good. I'm gonna give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in. I'll see you in the morning.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm in at 7:00.
- Janitor: Wear a helmet.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Big news, sports fans!
- [Everyone turns to J.D]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I've decided to start calling everyone "sports fans". Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jockey type, but I watched "Hoosiers" last night, and I like sports now.
- Dr.Perry Cox: [seeing Beardfacé in the room] Beardface! What do you say?
- Dr. Beardface: [angry] It's Beardfacé! Why do you people insist on calling me "Beardface"?
- Joe Hutnik: [clears his throat] May I?
- Dr.Perry Cox: Go for it.
- Joe Hutnik: Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess, I would say it's because your face is, like, five-sixths beard.
- Dr. Beardface: Damn you!
- [storms off]
- Dr.Perry Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you are admitted for swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain.
- Joe Hutnik: I'm also having heart palpitations.
- Dr.Perry Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that one; you see, I am very, very handsome.
- Joe Hutnik: I was gonna say.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface?
- Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It's Beardfacé. Beard*facé*!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
- Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course, then you'd be Dr. Face.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face.
- Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!
- [storms off]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] You see, there's an age-old principle you hear a lot about in medicine, that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one. It's called Ockham's razor.