Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (2007)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : Listen, I... I need to ask you for a favor.

  Charlie Harper : [drunk]  Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs?

  Alan Harper : Are you capable of having a conversation?

  Charlie Harper : Capable? I just spent twenty minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon. He's a Rangooooooonian.

  Alan Harper : We'll talk in the morning.

  Charlie Harper : I wouldn't count on it.

  Charlie Harper : Go ahead, you talk. I'll cook.

  Alan Harper : It's 11:30. What are you cooking?

  Charlie Harper : Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: my famous homemade chili.

• Alan Harper : Since when do you make chili?

  Charlie Harper : [drunk]  There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. I am a man of many layers. Strata, if you will.

  Alan Harper : I see.

  Charlie Harper : A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center.

  Alan Harper : Great. Uh... Anyway, tomorrow I have to go the DMV to get my license renewed.

  Charlie Harper : Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

  [drops an onion] 

  Charlie Harper : Run! Run! You're free!

• Charlie Harper : [drunk]  Thank you for transporting me home. You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. Damn, where is that key? Here key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key! Ah-ha! Hello, key.

  [door won't open] 

  Charlie Harper : Oh, no! Wrong house! I'm lost!

  [Alan opens the door from the inside] 

  Alan Harper : Hello?

  Charlie Harper : Oh! Hey, Alan! Come on in!

  Alan Harper : Why don't you come in here?

  Charlie Harper : I can't. I lost my key.

  [shows his keys] 

  Charlie Harper : Daaaaaah!

  Alan Harper : Had a... a few cocktails, did we?

  Charlie Harper : Me, too.