- Johnson: Just wanted to drop by and say "Have fun." Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, he is good. Taboo-busting, semi-incomprehensible pep talk.
- Mark Corrigan: Why do you even want to get back with her? She was really starting to annoy you.
- Jeremy Usborne: That was before we stopped going out.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh right, so now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?
- Jeremy Usborne: Exactly. Duh! That's how love works, Mark.
- Sophie Chapman: I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
- Mark Corrigan: No I didn't.
- Sophie Chapman: Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerard's foot.
- Mark Corrigan: That was an accident.
- Sophie Chapman: No, it wasn't.
- Mark Corrigan: It could have been, I was careful to be sure that it could have been.
- Johnson: If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I'm going to be Johnson's Queen! If the public will accept me, I'm going to be Johnson's Queen!
- [about Johnson]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, I've got a sweater around my shoulders, I'm not a corporate cocksucker, I'm a human being. Sure.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] God, I only asked her to be a hooker, it's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.
- Alan Johnson: [to the board of executives] OK, Mark is now going to take you through details of Project Zeus.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Here I go. Palms dry, mouth dry, inter-buttock area moist.
- [to the board]
- Mark Corrigan: So, integrating Sales and Marketing - Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But... look, big picture, so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, maybe we should look at human rights or global warming. I mean, these are just ideas, but... where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything. Where is the humanity?
- [He puts his hand on Johnson's shoulder]
- Mark Corrigan: Old friend.
- [Johnson is very disappointed. The executives start talking amongst themselves]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Shit, I'm crashing and burning.
- [He looks out the window at Sophie giving him the thumbs up]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river! Plan B. What is Plan B?
- [to the executives]
- Mark Corrigan: Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring. Please... stop mumurming. Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying!
- [Silence]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Did I just say that? I did just say that.
- [to the executives]
- Mark Corrigan: Yup, that's right, I've got brain cancer. Half my brain's been eaten away already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple, who's gonna be dead with a month.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Er... Plan C? Is there a Plan C?
- [Mark pretends to feel a sudden pain in his head and sinks into a chair]
- Mark Corrigan: Ahh, my brain! My poor diseased brain!
- Alan Johnson: [Standing up] Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.
- Jeff Heaney: Listen, Mark, I did have a little look and one of the concepts I came up with was not just amalgamating sales and marketing but also putting planning into the mix as well, see if with one big department we can't...
- Mark Corrigan: That sounds interesting. I tell you what, why don't I take that 'cause I'm going to the loo in a minute and I can have a look at it and then I can wipe my fucking arse on it! If we're integrating two departments and it's a nightmare, how exactly is putting a third in going to help? You dickpole!
- [about Johnson]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more a psychological defect than a weird sexual thing.
- [while Gerard is talking to him]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Tube up his nose, tube up his nose, he's a man with a tube up his nose.
- [Mark has been roped into getting a lap dance against his will]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, great. Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Ugh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality, as though I'm so used to seeing real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude, smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs, and the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick. Oh great, now I'm getting an erection, how grimly predictable. When's the work gonna happen?
- [he gets out his laptop]
- Mark Corrigan: I'm very sorry and you're a very attractive woman but I have got a helluva lot on, so...
- Leah: Do you want me to stop?
- Mark Corrigan: No, no, no, you go ahead, you're obviously very talented but I should just get with this.
- Leah: What are you writing?
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, just a proposal, so...
- Leah: Well, you haven't written very much, have you?
- [she carries on the dance]
- Leah: You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.
- Mark Corrigan: Right, this is a very complex business proposal, so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.
- Leah: If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line, then they're too diffuse.
- Mark Corrigan: Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse, OK?
- Leah: Fine. Jesus! They just might be too diffuse that was all I was saying.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great, now I'm getting an angry lap dance, brilliant.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.
- Jeremy Usborne: I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Pay up or I shall make a disturbance!
- Johnson: [getting out his wallet] OK, sure, fine, if it'll make you feel any better. Here, £380. Cash. Will that do?
- Jeremy Usborne: I'll take it. And you know what? This means nothing to me. I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you!
- [he throws the money out of the window]
- Jeremy Usborne: There, you see? Now do you see? That's how I feel. Now will you go back out with me?
- Big Suze: Er, no, Jez. I'm just not really that into you.
- Jeremy Usborne: In that case... if you'll excuse me.
- [he climbs out of the window]
- Jeff Heaney: Come on, Mark, let's get wankered!
- JLB Worker: Yeah, seriously cunted. Ha ha ha ha!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world.
- [Jeremy agrees to Johnson's "real-life Indecent Proposal" in which he'll pay Jeremy £530 to sleep with Big Suze]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Is this a terrible idea? It can't be, it's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.
- Jeremy Usborne: What do you see in Johnson?
- Big Suze: I just like him.
- Jeremy Usborne: Come on, is it because he's black?
- Big Suze: What? No! I hadn't even noticed.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, you're making a mistake, Suze, because he's terrible at being black. I'm a better black man than he is.
- Big Suze: That sounds almost...
- Jeremy Usborne: Look, Suze, being black isn't about the colour of your skin, it's about vibe, about hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number, fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them, yeah? I'm down with all that, is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?
- Big Suze: You mean, apart from his mentoring and his community work?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, apart from that.
- [Big Suze has come along with Johnson and the lads to a lap dancing club]
- Big Suze: I've always wanted to come somewhere like this! I love the funny women taking their clothes off and you lot just gawping!
- Sophie Chapman: I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with Mark, getting married. I mean, whether he's really into me. And I have I lived enough? I've only slept with four men, is that enough?
- Jeremy Usborne: Four? Oh, yeah.
- [voiceover]
- Jeremy Usborne: Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that and I basically only sleep with women.
- [to Sophie]
- Jeremy Usborne: I mean, I might slip another one or two in, just to get your average up.
- Sophie Chapman: I don't know if I'm attractive enough to.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, you're attractive. You're a hottie, Soph. You're hot.
- Sophie Chapman: Ahh, that's nice, thanks Jez. You're pretty hot too.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, here's to being hot.
- [they look into each other's eyes]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Shit, is this gonna happen? This is almost definitely a terrible idea. But I won't know for certain until I've actually done it.
- [they kiss]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] No, I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Although, maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better...
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I feel so bad about betraying Mark. Still, another snog for Jez's snog book!
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] If she won't take my calls, how about I hit her with some petrol station flowers!
- Johnson: Suze came round to the office to give me a piece of her mind and ended up giving me a piece of her ass.
- Johnson: Come on, honey, let's get moving. It's two hours to Kettering, even in a top-of-the-range Beemer.
- Johnson: [from outside Mark's hotel room] Hi, it's Charles!
- Mark Corrigan: [to Jeremy] Johnson.
- Johnson: Is that Camilla?
- Mark Corrigan: [to Johnson] Yeah, this is Camilla.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: God, that's so humiliating. Why couldn't we have been Holmes and Watson? Or Ben and Jerry? Even Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz would have been an improvement!
- Mark Corrigan: OK, so, final analysis. What have we actually got? What am I going to present to the board?
- [Gerrard hands him a paper]
- Mark Corrigan: Not that. That sounded good at 3am when we were high on Diet Coke.
- [he looks at another paper]
- Mark Corrigan: That's bullshit.
- [Gerrard gives him another paper]
- Mark Corrigan: That's just table talk! That's not fit for public consumption!
- [he sifts through the other papers in front of him]
- Mark Corrigan: Is that it? Where's the actual sustenance? Where's the beef? Gerrard... we've got... there's... nothing. I've got nothing, I've got fucking nothing here, we haven't got anything! We've spent all night doing... nothing, Gerrard, you prick!
- Gerrard: I've been working very hard, trying to...
- Mark Corrigan: You cocksucker! You stomach levels bullshit wanker!
- Gerrard: That's enough, Mark, all right, you can't talk to me like that!
- [he gets up and leaves]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I've lost my elephant man! My beautiful elephant man!