Peep Show (TV Series)
Conference (2007)
Paterson Joseph: Alan Johnson
Photos
Quotes
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Johnson : Just wanted to drop by and say "Have fun." Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, he is good. Taboo-busting, semi-incomprehensible pep talk.
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Johnson : If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] I'm going to be Johnson's Queen! If the public will accept me, I'm going to be Johnson's Queen!
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Alan Johnson : [to the board of executives] OK, Mark is now going to take you through details of Project Zeus.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Here I go. Palms dry, mouth dry, inter-buttock area moist.
[to the board]
Mark Corrigan : So, integrating Sales and Marketing - Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But... look, big picture, so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, maybe we should look at human rights or global warming. I mean, these are just ideas, but... where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything. Where is the humanity?
[He puts his hand on Johnson's shoulder]
Mark Corrigan : Old friend.
[Johnson is very disappointed. The executives start talking amongst themselves]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Shit, I'm crashing and burning.
[He looks out the window at Sophie giving him the thumbs up]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river! Plan B. What is Plan B?
[to the executives]
Mark Corrigan : Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring. Please... stop mumurming. Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying!
[Silence]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Did I just say that? I did just say that.
[to the executives]
Mark Corrigan : Yup, that's right, I've got brain cancer. Half my brain's been eaten away already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple, who's gonna be dead with a month.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Er... Plan C? Is there a Plan C?
[Mark pretends to feel a sudden pain in his head and sinks into a chair]
Mark Corrigan : Ahh, my brain! My poor diseased brain!
Alan Johnson : [Standing up] Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.
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Jeremy Usborne : I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Pay up or I shall make a disturbance!
Johnson : [getting out his wallet] OK, sure, fine, if it'll make you feel any better. Here, £380. Cash. Will that do?
Jeremy Usborne : I'll take it. And you know what? This means nothing to me. I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you!
[he throws the money out of the window]
Jeremy Usborne : There, you see? Now do you see? That's how I feel. Now will you go back out with me?
Big Suze : Er, no, Jez. I'm just not really that into you.
Jeremy Usborne : In that case... if you'll excuse me.
[he climbs out of the window]
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Johnson : Suze came round to the office to give me a piece of her mind and ended up giving me a piece of her ass.
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Johnson : Come on, honey, let's get moving. It's two hours to Kettering, even in a top-of-the-range Beemer.
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Johnson : [from outside Mark's hotel room] Hi, it's Charles!
Mark Corrigan : [to Jeremy] Johnson.
Johnson : Is that Camilla?
Mark Corrigan : [to Johnson] Yeah, this is Camilla.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : God, that's so humiliating. Why couldn't we have been Holmes and Watson? Or Ben and Jerry? Even Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz would have been an improvement!
