Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (2007)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [Jake is annoyed because he had to sleep in his father's bed and his father kept getting out of bed to pee] Okay. One of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake Harper : Well, there's your problem! Stop topping off the tank!
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Alan Harper : I'm Alan Harper and I am *not* having sex!
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Alan Harper : [to Charlie] You just could not control yourself! "A female's in the house! She must be mounted!"
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Alan Harper : [Charlie wonders why Alan is upset] I will tell you why. Because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!
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Alan Harper : [scrubbing Jake's tuxedo pants] What is this, candle wax? How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants?
Jake Harper : I don't know!
Alan Harper : You don't know?
Jake Harper : Okay. I might've lit a couple of farts.
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Alan Harper : And now that Judith's finally getting remarried and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey! Why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"
Charlie Harper : That is *not* how it happened!
Alan Harper : I don't care *how* it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!
Charlie Harper : How? Explain how.
Charlie Harper : [near hysterics] I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun, trying to guess how *your* penis is going to bite *me* in the *ass*!
