Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (2007)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Myra : [Charlie wakes up cuddled next to Judith's future sister-in-law]  Thinking of chewing your arm off?

  Charlie Harper : What? No! No! No! Why would I do that?

  Myra : I don't know. Maybe because you're not horny any more and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend?

• Berta : [to Charlie]  I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah? Well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex.

  Berta : Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

• Alan Harper : And now that Judith's finally getting remarried and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey! Why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"

  Charlie Harper : That is *not* how it happened!

  Alan Harper : I don't care *how* it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!

  Charlie Harper : How? Explain how.

  Charlie Harper : [near hysterics]  I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun, trying to guess how *your* penis is going to bite *me* in the *ass*!

• Charlie Harper : Normally, at this point in the relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.