- Arthur Grimsley: Well played, for a hillbilly.
- Larry: Hey, I won. That means I get to go to your big hoedown tonight.
- Arthur Grimsley: In your dreams.
- Larry: No, I dream about getting a nut rub from Scarlett Johansson. That ain't gonna happen.
- Larry: [smarting after a handshake from Duvall] Man, my hand ain't been this sore since the first episode of "Baywatch".
- Larry: [telling Madeleine to flee] You need to speed it up. I'm trying to execute a flawless ejaculation.
- Sheriff Smoot: Elmer's in the barn. He's armed, and he's got a hostage, somebody named Buttercup. We figure it's either his girlfriend or his horse.
- Larry: With Elmer, it's the same thing.
- Connie: Where's your warrant... to bust in here?
- Ricardo Bodl: I can tell you in two words, national security.
- Connie: I can tell you back in two words. Bull
- [pumps shotgun]
- Connie: shit!
- Larry: How can I trust you?
- Wilford Duvall: Trust me?
- Larry: Yeah, trust you.
- Wilford Duvall: Trust this.
- [Duvall pulls out a gun, Larry passes gas]
- Larry: Oh. That was a fear fart.
- [first lines]
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