The Whitest Kids U'Know (TV Series)

Episode #1.2 (2007)

Timmy Williams: Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain : Mr. Frank Rosenthorp, you have been found guilty of treason. And it has been decided that you should be put to death...by firing squad.

  Prisoner : NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

  Captain : Shut up! Now, do you have any last words?

  Prisoner : [menacingly]  Yes. Just three.

  [silence] 

  Captain : ...okay...moving on.

• Captain : Firing squad; each of you has been handed a rifle. In only one of these rifles is there an actual bullet. This is so that no one will know who actually fires the shot, and no one will have to bear the weight of guilt on their conscience. Understood?

  Squad Member 2 , Squad Member 1 : Aye.

  Captain : Alright. Now on my mark, you will aim at the criminal, and fire.

  Prisoner : IF YOU DARE!

  Captain : Shut up! Alright. Ready? Aim! Fire!

  [three shots are sounded, but none hit the prisoner] 

  Captain : Okay, nobody hit him. You have to aim, alright? Whoever has the bullet didn't hit him. Don't assume you don't have the bullet, you still have to aim.

  Squad Member 2 , Squad Member 1 : I did! I was aiming!

  [ect] 

  Captain : Well, aim better. Robertson? Paying attention?

  Squad Member 2 : Hey, why'd you single me out?

  Captain : No reason.

  Squad Member 2 : I have the bullet, don't I?

  Captain : I didn't say that...

  Squad Member 2 : Well, I'm glad I didn't aim, I can't bear that guilt!

  Captain : Oh! ...gimme the guns back. I'm shuffling the guns, that way we don't know who has what gun, it's all gonna be shuffled, alright? Here's your guns.

  Squad Member 1 : [points at Squad Member 1's gun]  It's that one. I watched.

  Captain : ...gimmie the guns back. Alright, don't watch this time! I'm shuffling where no one can see me.

  Prisoner : You men, free me and tie him to the post! And I shall make thee kings!

  Captain : Shut up! Alright, here's your guns. Now -

  [Squad Member 1 looks in gun barrel of his gun] 

  Captain : Don't look in there!

  Squad Member 2 : Was it the one?

  Squad Member 1 : Nope, it's good.

  Captain : ...gimmie the guns back.