South Park (TV Series)

Fantastic Easter Special (2007)

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Bunny Man #3, Head Bunny, Bunny Man #4, Nelson, Butler, Ninja #2, Jesus

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Jesus and Kyle are locked in a separate prison cell apart from Pope Benedict XVI's cell; Jesus furiously saws at a chain keeping the door closed with a file in his right hand] 

  Pope Benedict XVI : [in remorse]  Forgive me, Jesus.

  Jesus : [furious about Bill Donohue]  We'll never get out in time to stop him!

  Kyle : Don't you have any superpowers?

  Jesus : [throws the file away]  Not as a mortal. Only in death.

  [he pauses for a second] 

  Jesus : [realizing]  Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.

  Kyle : [shocked]  What?

  Jesus : Stab me with this.

  [he brings out a small dagger] 

  Jesus : If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.

  Kyle : [reluctant]  No way! Do it yourself!

  Jesus : Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!

  Kyle : Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.

  Jesus : Just make it quick.

  [he kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle, then points at his own neck] 

  Jesus : [continues]  Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.

  Kyle : [looks at the dagger in dismay]  Don't make me do this.

  Jesus : [shouts]  My son, there is no time! *Do it!*

  Kyle : [still looking and pondering]  Eric Cartman can never know about this.

  Jesus : [still kneeling, looking at Kyle]  I understand. And Kyle... Happy Easter.

  [he waits patiently for his moment of death and rebirth] 

  Kyle : [pauses, then reluctantly]  Happy Easter, Jesus.

  [he stabs Jesus in the throat, and at once Jesus stands up in pain with a gargling scream, his blood spewing everywhere from his throat; still screaming, he walks around for a few seconds while smearing blood on the wall, his screams and groans turning silent, then falls forward to the floor and dies; his halo falls from his head and rolls away with a metallic clink] 

  Kyle : [in shock at seeing Jesus' body]  ... Jesus?

• [Kyle is fingerpainting at his house when a doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it and opens the door] 

  Stan : [unkempt, gasping and holding Snowball the rabbit]  Help.

  Kyle : What happened?

  Stan : My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.

  Kyle : ...I'm kind of fingerpainting right now.

  Stan : [enters anyway]  Dude, they took my dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?

  Kyle : Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.

• [Stan and Kyle escape from Professor Teabag's mansion that was ransacked by ninjas, while holding Snowball] 

  Kyle : So what now?

  Stan : If the pope has my dad... I have to give him what he wants.

  Kyle : You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?

  Stan : What choice do I have? There's nobody left who can help us!... Wait... unless... maybe there is.

  [he hands Snowball to Kyle] 

  Stan : Here, hold this.

  [walks some distance from Kyle and prays] 

  Stan : Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help.

  [he waits for a long time, hoping his prayer can be answered, but there's no sign of Jesus] 

  Kyle : [looking down at Snowball]  I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.

• Jesus : This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus. Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit and a rabbit should be Pope.

  Bill Donohue : Kill him!

  Pope Benedict XVI : What?

  Bill Donohue : He goes against the Church. He must die!

  Pope Benedict XVI : All right, that does it, Bill! I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian.