17 Again (2009)
Zac Efron: Mike O'Donnell
Photos
Quotes
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Mike O' Donnell : Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.
[pretending to read a letter to Scarlet in divorce court]
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Mike O' Donnell : When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
[Talking to Maggie on the bleachers]
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Stan : [Mike tries to stand up to Stan's bullying for Alex] Give me my ball back bitch.
Mike O' Donnell : You know Stan I feel sorry for you.
Stan : You don't know me.
Mike O' Donnell : Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom. But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...
Mike O' Donnell : [while playing with Stan's basketball] One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.
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[from trailer]
Ned Freedman : What are you eating?
Mike O' Donnell : I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...
[squrits Cheez-Whiz into his mouth]
Mike O' Donnell : ... *all* the time.
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Mike O' Donnell : [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?
Lauren : Don't respect me.
Samantha : No! Don't respect *me*.
Jaime : You don't even have to remember my name!
Lauren : [In shock] Okay, wow.
Samantha : Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.
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Mike O' Donnell : [after being transformed] Come on, man! Don't you ever wanna go back and do high school again?
Ned Freedman : No. I'm rich and no one has shoved my head in a toilet today!
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Alex O'Donnell : [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends' moms?
Mike O' Donnell : [Walking away casually] Pretty much...
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Ned Freedman : It's a classic transformation story. Are you now or have you ever been a Norse God, Vampire, or Time Traveling Cyborg?
Mike O' Donnell : I have know you since what, first grade? I think that maybe I would have told you!
Ned Freedman : Vampire wouldn't tell, Cyborg wouldn't know.
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Alex O'Donnell : [In the school restroom] Uh... can I get a little help in here?
Mike O' Donnell : Alex? How did this? Who did this to you?
Alex O'Donnell : The basketball team.
Mike O' Donnell : But why? You're one of them, you're popular
Alex O'Donnell : Look this is kinda personal and I don't know you.
Mike O' Donnell : I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here.
Alex O'Donnell : Oh... cool... cool. Yeah, I'd shake your hand, but it's taped to my ass.
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Mike O' Donnell : [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche!
Scarlett O'Donnell : Mark!
Dean : That's okay, I'm a single dad. It's totally normal for son's to feel weird with their mom's date. Stepping in their dad's shoes protecting their castle.
Scarlett O'Donnell : He's not my son.
Dean : Oh, then that's weird.
Scarlett O'Donnell : It is.
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Mike O' Donnell : I had the craziest dream. I was 17. I was back in high school. It was terrible. Mmmm. Scar.
Maggie O'Donnell : Scar? I don't see a scar. Look i know why you didn't want me to be with Stan. It's because you wanted me.
[Mike bolts straight up and falls to the floor]
Maggie O'Donnell : .
Maggie O'Donnell : Oh! You wanna play games? I can play games.
Mike O' Donnell : Nononononono...
Maggie O'Donnell : I'm a hungry lioness, and your a baby gizell
Mike O' Donnell : [Mike gets chased around the room by Maggie] MaggieMaggieMaggieMaggie... nononononononono...
Mike O' Donnell : If you only knew how inappropriate and disfunctional this is. Stop it okay.
Mike O' Donnell : Maggie, I'm not the person. I'm not the person that you think I am.
Maggie O'Donnell : You're right. You're not. You're good. You're not like the others.
Mike O' Donnell : [Starting to hyperventilate] Not like the others. I'm very, very different. So different in fact that you and I could never, never ever ever be together. Stop Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell : Oh! Oh my god. What? What are you saying? Are you confused?
Mike O' Donnell : I'm very confused. Yes, I'm extremely confused.
Maggie O'Donnell : Oh my god, I... I... I get it now. Your hair is always perfectly quaffed and you have highlighs.
Mike O' Donnell : What are you talking about?
Maggie O'Donnell : I mean, dude your jeans are *really* tight.
Mike O' Donnell : I'm not *gay*. I'm in love, Maggie. I'm... I'm in love. I've been in love with the same girl since i was 17, Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell : Does she go to our school?
Mike O' Donnell : ...No...
Mike O' Donnell : Do I know her?
Mike O' Donnell : ...No...
Maggie O'Donnell : Tell me her name
Mike O' Donnell : No, Maggie, No.
Maggie O'Donnell : Okay, but you tell your girlfriend to keep a close eye on you.
Mike O' Donnell : Sweet baby Jesus.
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Ned Freedman : You look like a douche.
Mike O'Donnell : I do not look like a *douche*.
Guy from School : [in background referring to Mike O'Donnell] What a douche.
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Ned Freedman : Soooo, what did we learn in school today?
Mike O' Donnell : That I'm a bad dad.
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Ned Gold : [looks at mike's clothes] What are you wearing?
Mike O' Donnell : This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken
Ned Gold : Leave him out of this.
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Maggie O'Donnell : You're different then the other guys!
Mike O' Donnell : [hyperventilating] Yes, yes, very very different! So different that we could never ever ever be togother!
Maggie O'Donnell : [sits down] Oh, are you confused?
Mike O' Donnell : Well... yes I am very confused right now!
Maggie O'Donnell : Oh, I get it. I should have known I mean your hair is always so sculpted and dude, your pants are really tight!
Mike O' Donnell : ...I'm not gay!
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Mike O' Donnell : [When Ned finds young Mike in his house, and thinking its an intruder they end up fighting with light sabers] . It's me, Mike O'Donnell, your best friend.
Mike O' Donnell : [Trying to prove that It's him] . You have an undescended testicle.
Ned Freedman : Googlable.
Mike O' Donnell : You helped me cheat on a math test, but I got caught.
Ned Freedman : Public records.
Mike O' Donnell : You asked Princess Leia to Junior Prom.
Ned Freedman : Covered by the local news.
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Mike O' Donnell : Alex, what happened at the tryouts? How did it go?
Alex O'Donnell : It was good, Mark had a great tryout he played great.
Mike O' Donnell : Yeah.
Alex O'Donnell : And so did I, I made the team!
Scarlett O'Donnell : Oh, that's great I'm so proud of you!
[hugs Alex]
Mike O' Donnell : [joins them] You looked great out there.
Scarlett O'Donnell : Oh Mark that's super inappropriate.
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Mike O' Donnell : [after Alex sees his mom, Scarlett and "Mark"/Mike dancing] She's just nervous... it's creepy, right?
Alex O'Donnell : [stares at him, still weirded out] A little bit.
Mike O' Donnell : She's so old; it's like...
[stops himself and immediately walks away]
Alex O'Donnell : You dance with all your friends' moms?
Mike O' Donnell : Pretty much.
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Mike O' Donnell : There's no path, Ned! There's no path. I can't do it! I just made it worse for them. My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned. It's time to move on...
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Principal Jane Masterson : [Meeting principal Masterson for the first time] Hello...
Ned Gold : Hi... hello.
Principal Jane Masterson : [Ned won't let go of principal Masterson's hand] uhmm... I think we're good here.
Ned Gold : I think our hands just made a baby.
Mike O' Donnell : Excuse my dad, he's not used to talking... to attractive women.
Principal Jane Masterson : Well. thank you...
Mike O' Donnell : Mark...
Principal Jane Masterson : For that flattering yet inappropriate comment.
Ned Gold : Before we get started i think you should know that mark's a bastard.
Principal Jane Masterson : Excuse me?
Ned Gold : I had him out of wedlock so I'm single... and very rich.
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Mike O' Donnell : If this were Afganistan, you would be pulled backwards through the streets by mountain goats with your hands cut off... just saying.
[talking to Naomi about getting Alex mom a new man in front of him]
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Mrs. Dell : Okay, today we will be continuing our discussion with human sexuality and us we discussed the official school policy "abstinence".
Mike O' Donnell : Now that is very sensible! I'm glad some here has there head screwed on straight! I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex! now who's with me? You guys come on.
[the whole class laughs]
Mike O' Donnell : Maggie?
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Ned Freedman : We have to go shopping, your shirt is bedazzled.
Mike O' Donnell : Bedazzled with rhinestones!
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Mike O' Donnell : Why are you burping?
Alex O'Donnell : What? I have tummy issues. Get over it!
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Mike O' Donnell : Oh sweet baby Jesus!
