- Berta: [to Charlie] That was some fall you took.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
- Berta: You'd think the liquor industry would promote that.
- Charlie Harper: It *is* a selling point, right up there with making ugly people do-able.
- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Because, there's only two reasons you *ever* set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed, or cross-eyed, or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... Okay. I guess there's just one reason.
- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl with a vestigial penis.
- Charlie Harper: [to Alan] ... Why wouldn't she want you?
- Alan Harper: I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.
- Charlie Harper: [Alan is upset with Charlie when Jake discovers porn on Charlie's computer] Look, it's not hard-core. It's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party.
- Jake Harper: [confused] I didn't see pajamas.
- Danielle: Uh, well, for the last eight years I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement.
- Charlie Harper: Ohh, a working woman.
- Berta: [talking about Alan] Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp?
- Charlie Harper: Okay, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If *I* sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But if I teach my *brother* to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the *rest* of my life.
- Berta: Nice plan, but it'll never happen.
- Charlie Harper: Don't... don't... say that.
- [spits three times]
- Charlie Harper: Unjinx! Unjinx! Unjinx!
- Berta: Charlie, she is way out of his league.
- Charlie Harper: I know that! Everybody's out of his league! He doesn't even have a league! He's just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet! But luckily, he has me.
- Berta: Color me dubious.