Psych (TV Series)

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead (2007)

James Roday Rodriguez: Shawn Spencer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lorraine : This is a speed dating first! You and you are a one hundred percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love!

  [beat] 

  Juliet O'Hara : I need a drink.

  Shawn Spencer : I gotta pee.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : Speed dating?

  Marvin : Yeah. Don't laugh, it's actually one of our most popular events. Guys come in here, they sign up, put down a hundred bucks, and they get fixed up with all sorts of people on little six-minute mini-dates.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Did you say a hundred bucks?

  Marvin : Hundred bucks.

  Shawn Spencer : How about fifty bucks for three-minute dates?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Twenty-five bucks for a minute and a half?

  Shawn Spencer : I float you a ten-spot, you introduce us to somebody for fifteen seconds.

• Shawn Spencer : [sniffs]  What is that?

  Henry Spencer : What?

  Shawn Spencer : That smell, it's like a... it's like gardenia with a hint of mango.

  Henry Spencer : What?

  Shawn Spencer : [horrified]  Oh my God... did you take a bath?

  Henry Spencer : Yes, Shawn, I took a bath.

  Shawn Spencer : With bubbles?

  Henry Spencer : It's this new soap that I'm using. It foams more.

  Shawn Spencer : "It foams more"? Dad, it's called bubble bath!

  Henry Spencer : Well, I don't think it's officially called bubble bath if the bubbles happen accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.

• [on their "speed date"] 

  Shawn Spencer : You, me, Burgess Meredith, Hume Cronyn, Nipsey Russell, deserted island. Who are you going to sleep with?

  Juliet O'Hara : Wait... so it's you or a bunch of dead guys?

  Shawn Spencer : Fair. I'll give you Scatman Crothers.

  Juliet O'Hara : Dead.

  Shawn Spencer : Flip Wilson?

  Juliet O'Hara : Also dead.

  Shawn Spencer : Donald Pleasance?

  Juliet O'Hara : None of the above.

  Shawn Spencer : None of the above? Jules, are you kidding me? You...

  [timer goes off] 

  Shawn Spencer : You're going to miss me, aren't you? Little bit? Have fun on your next date. But I want you to think about that, okay? Like, if that really happened?

  Juliet O'Hara : [gets up]  Bye, Shawn.

• Glenda : Shawn. That's a nice name.

  Shawn Spencer : Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. My last name is Ulfeninderheinie. Yeah, it's been a tough life. Kids... kids can be cruel.

  Glenda : Yeah. You know, you could probably change that. Uh, what's your mom's maiden name?

  Shawn Spencer : Buzzteats.

  Glenda : Wow. Yeah. "Teats" as in...

  Shawn Spencer : Yeah, yeah. All my ancestors were farmers.

• Shawn Spencer : [to Marvin]  Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent, will you say "magically delicious"?

• Shawn Spencer : Where are they?

  Henry Spencer : Who?

  Shawn Spencer : The "Queer Eye" guys. I know they're here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : How am I supposed to know, Shawn?

  Henry Spencer : Carson and Jai... and the guy with the glasses.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Oh, yeah, who cooks the fish.

  Henry Spencer : Right.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : He says it's the single guys trying to keep up on their tans.

  Shawn Spencer : Single guys?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : Yeah.

  Shawn Spencer : Maybe that's it. Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon. Question is, what kind of loser thinks getting a tan is gonna help him score a woman?

  [Henry walks out in a robe] 

  Shawn Spencer : Dad?

• Shawn Spencer : What is that?

  Henry Spencer : What?

  Shawn Spencer : [picks up a bottle]  Exfoliating scrub... with pumice.

  Henry Spencer : Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.

  Shawn Spencer : That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.

• Burton 'Gus' Guster : You're gonna pay, Shawn! You are going to pay, believe me.

  Shawn Spencer : No offense, but it's tough to feel threatened by you when you're wearing that shirt. Is that a hibiscus?

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : It's not my shirt. It's your dad's. He had to loan me one because mine was covered in snot tears!

• Marvin : [Irish accent]  Ooh! Hello, me buckos. I'm Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world-famous Blarney Stone Fajitas!

  Shawn Spencer : Hello, Marvin. We're here to speak with the leprchaun.

  Marvin : [normal]  Ha ha, very funny, please stop, my tummy is aching from laughing so hard. You guys want a table or what?

• Shawn Spencer : We're going to roll up our sleeves, we're going to get a little bit dirty, and we're going to do some old-fashioned police work. Come on, it's like "In the Heat of the Night", which makes me Caroll O'Connor.

  Burton 'Gus' Guster : No, that means you're Rob Steiger. That way, I'm Sidney Poitier.

  Shawn Spencer : You know that's right.

  [Shawn and Gus enter the interrogation room... and see their completely nude witness] 

  Shawn Spencer : [turning away]  Oh, boy. Wow. Looks like someone beat us to the rolling of the sleeves.

• Shawn Spencer : [to Gus]  I'm with you on the aliens thing. They're here, and they've swapped out my father with José Eber.

• Juliet O'Hara : Wow, I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.

  Shawn Spencer : Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year.

  Juliet O'Hara : Oh my God, that's great!

  Shawn Spencer : They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn.

• Shawn Spencer : You need to show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush! Jules, back me up on the sternum bush.

  Juliet O'Hara : I'm gonna go.

• Shawn Spencer : [to Henry, on Gus's date]  Okay, what are you doing? You're putting a negative spin on things, as usual. Look, they might have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold blooded killer, sure. What if they really fall in love, Dad?

• Shawn Spencer : Gus, everybody want to rub your head.

• Shawn Spencer : He's cocky. He thinks he's on a roll, but I'm inside his head, Chief. And I'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest.

  [nods and grins] 

  Shawn Spencer : You smell where I'm stepping?

• Karen Vick : Think he's telling the truth?

  Shawn Spencer : Not by a long shot, and look at him. He's not the right height; he doesn't even own a car meaning that you can't match the tire tread. He's cocky, he thinks he's on a roll but I'm in his head chief, and I'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest... You smellin' what I'm steppin'?