- Michael Scott: So I am instituting prima nocta.
- Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie "Braveheart" and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
- Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
- [Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
- Ryan Howard: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
- Michael Scott: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
- Ryan Howard: Oh, gross.
- Michael Scott: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
- Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
- Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
- Michael Scott: Sort of a guys' night out. A G.N.O., if you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G.A.I. A gay.
- [the girls all snigger]
- Michael Scott: Not... Not... It's not gay. It's just a... It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
- Jim Halpert: [watching the stripper arrive in her car] Have you ever seen a stripper before?
- Dwight Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on "Alias." It was one of her many aliases.
- Jim Halpert: Yeah, me neither.
- Elizabeth the Stripper: [walks over to them] Hey. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
- Elizabeth the Stripper: I'm the stripper.
- Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Okay.
- Jim Halpert: [reads a text he just got from Michael on his phone] Oh, God.
- Dwight Schrute: [reads the text aloud] "Is she hot?"
- [looks at her]
- Dwight Schrute: Text back, "Kind of."
- Dwight Schrute: [ordering a stripper over the phone] Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, *tats*. Of course, I want...
- Jim Halpert: [interrupts] Stop. That's disgusting.
- Michael Scott: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
- Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
- Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
- Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?
- Jim Halpert: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
- Todd Packer: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101. If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck hard.
- Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
- Todd Packer: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, seperate but equal.
- Michael Scott: So that's what that means.
- Elizabeth the Stripper: [snacking on Pam's desk candy] Oh, my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
- Pam Beesly: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
- Michael Scott: [to a Ben Franklin impersonator whom he thinks is a stripper] Hello! You wearing a thong?
- Angela Martin: [protesting] Under no circumstances should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
- Meredith Palmer: [shouts angrily] Shut up, Angela!
- Michael Scott: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
- Elizabeth the Stripper: "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."
- Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
- Pam Beesly: I know.
- Ben Franklin: Well, I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
- Pam Beesly: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
- Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
- Pam Beesly: Ohhh.
- Dwight Schrute: [Dwight has been testing the Benjamin Franklin impersonator with many questions to catch a mistake] Are you far-sighted or near-sighted?
- Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocals.
- [Dwight screams in anger and frustation]
- Angela Martin: Sparkling cider is very good.
- Pam Beesly: I think that's champagne.
- [Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
- Michael Scott: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
- Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
- Michael Scott: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
- Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
- Michael Scott: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
- Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
- Michael Scott: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
- Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
- Michael Scott: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
- [imitates porn music]
- Meredith Palmer: Wait, this is the entertainment?
- Michael Scott: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
- [Points to Phyllis]
- Karen Filippelli: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
- Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
- Pam Beesly: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
- Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy.
- [winks at Pam]
- Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
- Karen Filippelli: Mr. Franklin?
- Ben Franklin: Yes?
- Karen Filippelli: Do you have a girlfriend?
- Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
- Pam Beesly: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
- Ben Franklin: Uh, well, that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
- Dwight Schrute: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
- Elizabeth the Stripper: You want me to answer phones with my clothes *on*?
- Dwight Schrute: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.