Boston Legal (TV Series)

Selling Sickness (2007)

James Spader: Alan Shore

Quotes 

• [Alan puts down an actual box, gets up on it, and pulls breath to start his closing argument] 

  Judge Gloria Weldon : What are you doing?

  Alan Shore : Climbing on my soapbox, Judge. I do it once a week.

  Judge Gloria Weldon : Get off that thing now, Mr. Shore!

  Alan Shore : You sure? This is vintage soapbox stuff. We've got God, money, politics, homosexuality. Has anyone ever heard of restless legs syndrome? It's where you move your leg about in your sleep. It's awful. You may have it. May not keep you awake, doesn't really harm you in any way, may not bother you in the slightest, but nonetheless it's awful. The pharmaceutical companies have declared it so. So they've invented a drug, and you simply must take it. If you haven't heard of restless leg, by the way, you probably have attention deficit disorder. Awful. We've got a lot of drugs for that one. You must take them. You're depressed. You're not sleeping enough. You think you're shy, but you've actually got a social anxiety disorder. Weak stream. Irritable bowel syndrome. You people have all kinds of ailments you don't know about. Luckily, we've got drugs for every one of them. You must take them. My colleague has a case involving a "Forgetting Pill". You can take that one to forget you ever had restless leg or irritable bowels!

  Judge Gloria Weldon : Mr. Shore, what are you talking about?

  Alan Shore : Same-sex Attraction Disorder. And what troubles me is why the folks in Big Pharmaceutical haven't invented a pill for this disease. Clearly, they're in the business of selling sickness. If there was a profit to be made, they would make it. And with an estimated gay population of over 10 million in the U.S. alone, there's certainly a big enough market. Could it be that they can't cure it? Well, not to worry. If Big Pharmaceutical can't do it, maybe Big Religion can. And they are. They're the ones who have coined the term, "Same-Sex Attraction Disorder." It's a very good name. Very important, a good name. It's a crucial first step in disqualifying homosexuals as a segment of the population and categorising them as a disease. Makes homosexuals seem less like people and more like, eh, the flu. And with terrible, awful symptoms. But curable, and therefore less concerning when it comes to things like an individual's rights: freedom, privacy, marriage. Big Religion is very concerned with marriage. Big Religion is the one filling the pockets of Congress. It actually got them to propose a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Think about that: a governmentally imposed, systematic prejudice against a class based on their sexual orientation. Never mind that one of the most trusted evangelical advisers to the President was himself having a homosexual affair on the side. Never mind that one of our Congressmen was writing naughty e-mails to his teenage male pages. Isn't it just a disease? And I thought it was curable. That's what they told me down at the... church. Well, you can legislate against it. You can give it a clever name and treat people for it. You can shut your eyes, have sex with your wife, and pretend it all feels... right. You can join the church and swear to be celibate for the rest of your life. You can drive around on a Saturday night with a baseball bat and try to beat it out of some poor soul you happen to meet. You can even come to this courtroom and testify as to your new leaf and how well it's all working. What a miracle! My only response is: Give it time. We'll see. Meanwhile, this company took $40,000 from my client, promising to cure him of his gayness. Only in America! Only in a country that overtly and notoriously celebrates its prejudice against a class of people by proposing Constitutional amendments. God bless us all! Home of the brave!

  Alan Shore : [to the defendant]  Shame on you! Couldn't you have at least offered a money-back guarantee, and thrown in a blender?