- Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
- Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, "you people?"
- Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, "you people?"
- Kirk Lazarus: Huh?
- Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
- Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
- Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. He was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty-handed.
- Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
- Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
- Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.
- Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: Where is your farm...
- [points a gun at Lazarus]
- Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: ...AMERICAN?
- Kirk Lazarus: My farm? Here's my mothafuckin' farm!
- [pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping]
- Kirk Lazarus: Kwan lo! I'm a lead farmer!
- Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.
- Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name?
- Alpa Chino: ...Lance
- Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
- Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
- Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That's what I said, Nance.
- Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like Lance.
- Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
- Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?
- Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
- Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
- Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!
- Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
- Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
- Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!
- Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.
- Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!
- Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
- [is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]
- Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.
- Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
- Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...
- Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.
- Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.
- Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?
- Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script, script reads me.
- [pause]
- Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?
- Kirk Lazarus: [shouting] What you getting at with the book, scripts, spit that shit out, man!
- [He smiles then frowns]
- [Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
- Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
- Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
- Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
- Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
- Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
- [rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
- Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
- Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
- [Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
- Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
- Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!
- Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
- [cocks his gun]
- Alpa Chino: Viet Cong!
- Tugg Speedman: What?
- Alpa Chino: It's Viet Cong. There's no s. It's already plural. You wouldn't say Chineses.
- [Tugg has just killed a panda]
- Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
- Rick Peck: A hooker. Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here's what you're gonna do: Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide, and a shit load of lime.
- Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar. Elvins.
- Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.
- Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
- Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.
- Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!
- Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
- Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.
- Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
- Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
- Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
- Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
- Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
- Kevin Sandusky: What?
- Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
- Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
- Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
- Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.
- Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
- Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
- Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
- Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
- Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
- Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
- Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!
- Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This muthafucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!
- Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."
- Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?
- Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!
- Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.
- Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
- [pause]
- Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
- Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
- Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
- Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
- Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
- Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
- Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
- Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
- Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
- Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
- Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.
- Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
- Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.
- Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
- Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
- Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
- [hops away like a kangaroo]
- Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.
- Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
- Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
- Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
- Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
- [Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
- Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
- Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states.
- Cody: Wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?
- Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
- Cody: Coast Guard.
- Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
- Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.!
- Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!
- Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
- Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time!
- Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?
- Four Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
- Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy?
- Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Les, that's Four Leaf.
- Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
- Les Grossman: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!
- Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
- Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.
- Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
- Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
- Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
- Les Grossman: Ah... joking.
- Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
- Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
- Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
- Kirk Lazarus: Well to the man's credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle. And now that's added a balance, and the audience can connect. I mean, this is Theater 101, but, you know, he's had a tough road. He'll become a naturalist.
- Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination between gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the uh most successful. But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
- Kirk Lazarus: You talkin' to me this whole time?
- Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening.
- Kirk Lazarus: Jesus Christ, man!
- Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
- Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid, that man's a national treasure.
- Rick Peck: You can't be serious?
- Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the 3rd runner-up "sexiest man alive" 1998... And you're asking if I'm SERIOUS?
- Alpa Chino: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post] What're you guys doing here?
- Cody: He has hands!
- Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien!
- Cody: Bullshit!
- Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis!
- Cody: Almost!
- Alpa Chino: What're you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine.
- Cody: Oh, sweet, thank God!
- [opening line]
- Four Leaf Tayback: In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.
- Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!
- Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...
- Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
- Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?
- Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.
- Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?
- Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.
- Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?
- Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
- Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
- Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.
- Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
- Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.
- Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?
- Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...
- Tugg Speedman: You don't know.
- Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.
- Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot...
- [Picks up Damien's severed head]
- Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one!
- [People around him gag]
- Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex.
- [Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face]
- Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup.
- Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.
- Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
- Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?
- Cody: Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me?
- [one of the men bring a box to Cody]
- Cody: That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.
- Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.
- Kirk Lazarus: Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
- Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
- Kirk Lazarus: That's kind of how you look right now.
- Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
- Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo I but II.
- Tugg Speedman: Really?
- Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
- Tugg Speedman: I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
- Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
- Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
- Kirk Lazarus: What's the secret, dude?
- Tugg Speedman: It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
- Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
- Tugg Speedman: You look good.
- Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
- Tugg Speedman: What?
- Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
- Tugg Speedman: There's, like, the pineapple...
- Kirk Lazarus: - Give me that goddamn map!
- [Snatches map from Tugg Speedman]
- Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
- Tugg Speedman: Hey!
- Kirk Lazarus: Hey!
- Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Goodbye mama, now you can have ice cream in heavan! I'll see you again tonight when I go to bed in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!