How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Monday Night Football (2007)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ted Mosby : So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?

  Barney : Have I taught you nothing, Ted?

  Ted Mosby : Virtually.

  Barney : Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.

  Ted Mosby : "Sartorial"?

  Barney : "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. Buck naked! Yeah! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies!

  [high-pitched] 

  Barney : What uuuuup!

• Barney Stinson : [Superbowl, 2006]  I'll give you the Seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks.

  Marshall Eriksen : Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.

  Barney Stinson : [Freaking out]  $50? What fun is $50? Why don't we just bet air? God, Marshall!

  [Normal] 

  Barney Stinson : Okay, $50.

• Barney Stinson : High five!

  Ted Mosby : Dude, we're at a wake.

  Barney Stinson : Sorry. Solemn, low five.

• Ted Mosby : Marshall, you're on beer detail. Lily, you're making the bean dip. Robin, you're on chips and pretzels. Barney, I'm giving you nothing to do so that you can work on your gambling problem.

  Barney Stinson : Problem? Hey, Superman should really do something about his flying problem. Please! It's not a problem if you're awesome at it.

• Barney Stinson : Emmitt Smith! Thank God!

  Emmitt Smith : I get that a lot.

  Barney Stinson : You gotta tell me! Who won the Super Bowl last night?

  Emmitt Smith : That was last night? You know, once you win two or three of those, it's like... Eh.

  Barney Stinson : But you're Emmitt Smith! What could be more important than the Super Bowl?

  Emmitt Smith : Dance, my friend. Dance.

• Barney Stinson : [Over Mark's casket]  Such a waste.

  Lily Aldrin : I know. He was so young.

  Barney Stinson : A hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted Dolce & Gabbana. It must be so frightened.

• Marshall Eriksen : [Watching the Superbowl, 2004]  Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.

  Barney Stinson : I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.

  Marshall Eriksen : Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.

  Barney Stinson : Fine.

  Marshall Eriksen : See, there you go, he made it. You win.

  [Hands Barney a dollar] 

  Barney Stinson : Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?

  Marshall Eriksen : Nothing, it's the halftime show.

  Lily Aldrin : Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?

  [Everyone leaves] 

• Barney Stinson : [handcuffs himself to Ted's radiator]  Ted, swallow this key.

  Ted Mosby : No.

  Barney Stinson : You eat a lot of salads, It'll be out by gametime.

  Ted Mosby : Again, no.

• Wendy : Oh, God, you didn't hear? Mark died.

  Lily Aldrin : Oh, my God.

  Marshall Eriksen : Oh, my gosh.

  Wendy : The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00, and I know it would have meant a lot to Mark if you came. You guys were his favorite customers.

  Lily Aldrin , Ted Mosby , Marshall Eriksen , Barney Stinson , Robin Scherbatsky : Stay strong. We're so sorry.

  [the waitress leaves] 

  Ted Mosby : Who was Mark?

  Marshall Eriksen : No idea.

  Barney Stinson : Not a clue.

• Barney Stinson : How the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? There's TVs everywhere.

  Ted Mosby : Ah, don't worry. I got it all planned out. First of all: I placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so I can only see out of two tiny holes. Next, I constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. Top it all off: high-tech noise-reducing headphones I bought when Marshall and Lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. I call it the Sensory Deprivator 5000.

• Ted Mosby : [Watching the Superbowl in 2003]  Second down, everyone drink.

  Barney Stinson : Ted, it's not a drinking game if you drink anytime anything happens.

• Barney Stinson : [Barney walks into the apartment and handcuffs himself to the radiator]  Hey, take this key and swallow it.

  Ted Mosby : What? No.

  Barney Stinson : Come on, Ted, you eat salads. It'll be out by game time.

  Ted Mosby : Lots more, no.

  Barney Stinson : I'm not messing around, Theodore. I've got a lot of money riding on this game. If I don't handcuff myself to this radiator, I'll check the score. Please take the key.

  Ted Mosby : Fine.

  [Ted grabs the key and walks away] 

  Ted Mosby : But only because you didn't think through a bathroom plan, and I think that's funny.