- Dr. Abby Lockhart: Does it hurt here?
- Simon: No, but if you tug on Willy, I'll sing Dionne Warwick's greatest hits.
- Dr. Abby Lockhart: Tempting, but no thanks.
- Simon: Doc, doc, you gotta get me out of here, man. I got a hot date tonight.
- Dr. Archie Morris: Does, uh, she take air or helium?
- [chuckles]
- Simon: She takes Visa. That was funny.
- Thomas Grasso: Someone's about to get some A-1 kidney meat! I'm like a, I'm like a racehorse; I could drink a sixpack without even peeing.
- Marina Grasso: Honey, gross!
- Dr. Lucien Dubenko: Actually, micturation capacity is related to bladder size and neural sensitivity, not renal function.
- Thomas Grasso: Then we'll give 'em some bladder too!
- Dr. Abby Lockhart: Your blood tests show that you have leukemia.
- Simon: Thank God! I thought you were gonna tell me I had cancer!
- Dr. Abby Lockhart: Leukemia is a cancer of the white blood cells in the bone marrow.
- Simon: That's great! That's great. So give me some Viagra, send me home, and we're all good!
- Dr. Abby Lockhart: This isn't funny.
- Simon: [suddenly serious] I know.
- Simon: I got a nervous bladder and a neurotic sphincter. Seriously, it sucks. I can't be in public, and I'm afraid to fart in case I start a fire.
- Dr. Abby Lockhart: The EpiPen is spring-loaded, so all you have to do is press it against your thigh, and it fires off a shot.
- Simon: Ah. Sounds like my high school years.
- Jessie's mom: If he's got lice, you're cutting his hair.
- Dr. Ray Barnett: I'm a doctor, not Vidal Sassoon.