- Bronson Pope: Your friend seems pretty gung-ho.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Veronica? When she played peewee soccer, she made her own penalty cards so she could red card players she didn't like.
- Dick Casablancas: So what... You're just going to mope around like the guy in... What's that book when the guy's mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? And he's got that motorcycle sidecar?
- Logan Echolls: Garden State was never a book.
- Dick Casablancas: It wasn't? Oops... So much for that paper. But, if this were a book, the theme of my essay would be the symbolism of how your character had his man parts ripped off by the Veronica Mars character.
- Logan Echolls: My man parts are intact.
- Dick Casablancas: Show me.
- Logan Echolls: You're going to have to take my word for it.
- Dick Casablancas: I mean symbolically. We're young, single men in our sexual prime. And the only reason we're not out there going hog wild is because of your feelings? What are we on The View? Am I Rosie O'Donnell?
- Veronica Mars: According to the PHAT website, we should stay away from fur, obviously, down, leather.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: The one day I feel like wearing a leather miniskirt!
- Veronica Mars: If it ever had a face or a parent, you can't wear it.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: So my mollusk shoes are cool?
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: I just can't wait for the moment when you're in a tree going, "Here, monkey, monkey," and holding out a banana, and then the branch breaks and hilarity ensues.
- Veronica: Ah, if there's hilarity, I charge extra.
- Veronica Mars: [discussing rats showing up at Bronson's house] Like, in a tiny van with a sob story about needing a place to crash?
- Veronica Mars: We're talking monkey? As in...
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Touch my.
- Pauline Elliot: It's not just any monkey.
- Veronica Mars: Please tell me he plays piano.
- Pauline Elliot: Twenty-five is a genetically altered capuchin monkey. Its uptake-inhibitor proteins have been coded to allow us to monitor cholesterol breakdown at a cellular level.
- [Veronica just stares at her]
- Pauline Elliot: And he can play "Chopsticks."
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Wow... this is one trashed lab. All it's missing is a big hole in the wall shaped like the Hulk.
- Veronica Mars: You should hire someone to do this.
- Keith Mars: You're lucky I'm not a farmer, you'd be out plowing a field.
- Professor McGregor: The only way to conclusively prove test results is through an autopsy.
- Veronica Mars: So that monkey good life includes a blindfold and a last smoke?
- Veronica Mars: How did you find me? My cell phone is not on.
- Keith Mars: Maybe I'll tell you someday.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Okay, I get cruelty-free, but I'm an animal, too, and the clove cigarettes and no-bathing thing is cruelty to me.
- Eli 'Weevil' Navarro: So, I came in at around seven. First, I thought he just had a bender and fell asleep at his desk, but then I saw blood... and the note.
- Keith Mars: A note?
- Eli 'Weevil' Navarro: Yeah, on the computer. He had a memo on the screen, saying, "Goodbye, cruel world zzzz." I guess his head fell on the Z. It's a shame, man. He was pretty cool... for a weird, old, white dude.
- Dick Casablancas: 'Kay. Baby steps. Some dudes, tasty waves, and some tasty brews. That's all we need.
- Chip Diller: Where the hell you been?
- Dick Casablancas: You think I just roll out of bed looking like this? It takes time!
- Chip Diller: [Rubs his shaved head] Low maintenance! You should try it.
- Dick Casablancas: What, getting sheared by an angry mob of lesbians who stick eggs up people's butts? No, thanks!
- Chip Diller: Uh, I'm just saying it does simplify one's personal grooming.
- Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: These guys were all like, "as long as she's got a pair of... " You know, it was indelicate.
- Veronica: What's indelicate about shoes?
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Does this say cruelty free?
- Parker Lee: It says... I've given up... don't look at me.
- Emi: [adjusting thermostat] You've got the AC on full. If you want to see my nipples, just ask.
- Gil Thomas Pardy: [raises hand]