Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Kissing Abraham Lincoln (2006)
Conchata Ferrell: Berta
Quotes
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Berta : I don't mind your girlfriends throwing an occasional thong or panties into the hamper, I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie Harper : Now, to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta : Yeah? Well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass!
Charlie Harper : All right! All right!
Berta : You know what she said to me, Charlie? She said I need to know my place around here.
Charlie Harper : Oh, she didn't...
Berta : Ah, but she did. Is that true, Charlie? Do I need to know my place around here?
Charlie Harper : No, Berta. We all know your place.
Berta : And where is that place, Charlie?
Charlie Harper : Wherever you want it to be.
Berta : There is only room for one alpha dog in this house.
Charlie Harper : I know.
Berta : And, who is that alpha dog, Charlie?
Charlie Harper : You are.
Berta : Say it.
Charlie Harper : You're the alpha dog.
Berta : Aw, you sweet talker, you.
[she kisses Charlie on the cheek, looks down and picks up her basket]
Berta : We'll just pretend that's morning wood.
-
Lydia : Oh, Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta : Say what?
Lydia : [to Berta] I'm talking to Charlie.
[to Charlie]
Lydia : You don't mind, do you?
Charlie Harper : Mind? Well, uh...
Berta : You want to borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia : I'm not saying I won't pay you. Plus, you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta : Oh, gee! Why don't you just toss 'em in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard!
Lydia : Well, that's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta : You wanna do me a favor? You take the money you were going to pay me, convert them into rolls of nickels, then bend over and -
[Charlie cuts her off]
