- Vince Noir: That's funny you should say that actually, because I was walking through Camden the other day, and I saw you in a skip, weeping.
- Howard Moon: That was an art piece that I was doing.
- Vince Noir: Really? Because you had a shirt and tie on but no pants or trousers.
- Howard Moon: Yeah? Too much for you was it?
- Vince Noir: It was too much. It was quite early in the morning. I was trying to eat a baguette.
- Howard Moon: Hmm. Check me out.
- [spotlight singles out Howard]
- Vince Noir: [Vince introduces Howard, whilst he does actions] Howard Moon, Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Rider of the Penny-Farthing, Stamp Collector, Age: 61
- [Howard points down]
- Vince Noir: 57? Special Features: The tiny eyes of a shrew! Howard Moon! Yeah! Check him out!
- Howard Moon: Yeah.
- [starts trying to eat air]
- Vince Noir: What are you doing?
- Howard Moon: Eating the applause.
- Vince Noir: Haha! Who does that?
- Howard Moon: Me! Nice and crunchy
- Vince Noir: Hehe was it? Was it crunchy?
- Howard Moon: Yeah. Get in the light.
- [light shines on Vince]
- Howard Moon: Vince Noir.
- [long pause]
- Howard Moon: Electro-poof!
- [Vince puts his arms out, Howard starts eating Vince's applause]
- Vince Noir: What are you doing? Huh? Never eat another man's applause!
- Howard Moon: Urgh, that's very rich!
- Howard Moon: It's a bit like fruitcake. I feel all bilious.
- Vince Noir: Too rich for you.
- Russian Piemaker: Wooould you like a pie?
- Russian Widow: ...No.
- Russian Piemaker: But it is a gooood pie.
- Russian Widow: Nevertheless. The last time you gave me pie... I cut into it... with my tiny pie-cutter. And lots of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples. I was confused. It was a trick pie.
- Russian Piemaker: Why don't you want my pie?
- Russian Widow: Why do you bring me pies all the time? Pastry goods every day with you!
- Russian Piemaker: I bring you pies, aah, to show you I love you!
- Russian Widow: Why don't you just tell me you love me!
- Russian Piemaker: Ahhhh!
- Russian Widow: Ahhhh!
- Russian Piemaker: Ahhhh!
- Russian Widow: Ahhhh!
- Tom Paulin: [Fanmail] Could you send me a picture of your Cock and Balls?